Something Old, Something New

3 years ago today, I started working at Jamba Juice. In four days, I will work my last shift and start a new era in my life. 


I know it's time to do something different. With my illness I can't keep up with the demands of this fast-paced job. I find myself getting more irritated with customers; let's face it, being asked "What's good?" for three years gets pretty old. The truth is, I am burnt out. And there are many other people who can do this job better than I can. It's time for them to get a chance.


But at the same time, it's bittersweet. 


Jamba Juice has been a part of my life for the past three years of my life. My co-workers have been comforts, supports, comic relief, a source of joy, and my best friends. I have grown up in this job. And in fact, it is through my friends at Jamba that I met my sweet husband. Working at Jamba has changed my life. 


It's funny how something that was wrong for me a year ago can be right now. 


In the fall, I will start working as a TA in the art history department. I am excited to have a less-demanding job in my field, to develop new skills and make new friends. But I am also nervous, for I am leaving something that I know and love to step into the unknown. 


I will miss the good food. I will miss dancing around to fun music after closing.  I will miss training sweet little freshmen. I will miss our wild Jamba parties. And most of all, I will miss all of my sweet, wonderful co-workers who make me laugh every time I work. 


I am grateful for this experience and all that it has taught me. But I have to move forward. 

A Faith Rooted in Optimism and Tears

Brian Kershisnik, Thorn and Sparrows, Found here

Last night, I filled up my old journal. Tonight I will begin a new one. 


After writing my final words in that volume, I flipped back through and reminisced about the last 9 months of my life - my worries when having to decide between my missionary and Brandon, how I decided that he was the one, our engagement, our wedding, our first 5 months of marriage.


I've been sick for the past 6 weeks, and I'm not sure why. (And to nip any rumors in the bud, no, I'm definitely not pregnant.) Although I get enough sleep and take my multi-vitamins, I'm tired all the time. I often have dizziness, migraines, and difficulty concentrating. We've been to the doctor and found out that I'm not anemic, diabetic, or a victim of thyroid problems. He prescribed some medication about a week ago, and it's been helping, but I'm certainly not back to normal yet. 


As I read through my old journal entries, I missed my old self. I missed the girl who was able to handle 12-hour school days with a smile on her face. I missed the girl who was so happy and bubbly all the time. I missed the girl who found everything about life to be so exciting. My body has forced me to slow down, and in some ways, I've lost a part of myself. 


In my prayers tonight, I asked God to help me bring back the old, energetic me. Instead, He answered, You don't have to be her. 


Yes, my body has forced me to slow down, and my spirit has slowed down with it. I've lost a lot of my energy and enthusiasm, but I've gained something in return. 


I'm more content with my place in the world. I find more satisfaction in my relationships. I cherish the temple more. I'm driven to my knees more often. I talk to my mother more frequently. I think more deeply and creatively. I'm more content to observe than to join in the action. I have a more eternal perspective. 


I have a better relationship with my husband. I have a better relationship with my family. I have a better relationship with myself. I have a better relationship with my Heavenly Father. 


This trial has been painful, both physically and emotionally - but I am better for it. I feel like it is helping me to grow up. 


As Melissa Young wrote,  "I’m finding that my faith is rooted in both optimism and tears."

I finally feel like an aunt.

When we first got engaged, one of the things I was excited about was becoming an aunt. As the oldest kid in my family, I had no nieces or nephews, and when I married Brandon I suddenly got 10 1/2 (the eleventh was born about a month after our wedding day). It's been a bit of a challenge learning how to relate to that many kids and how to show them love. For the most part, I've felt like I've just been pretending, but this weekend at our family reunion, I finally felt like an aunt.


We had a blast driving up with Benson, Adi, and their dad Nephi. When we pulled up in the driveway, they were all ready with their backpacks, sleeping bags, water bottles, and aviators. "Bwandon and Dasha! We going camping!" Benson cried. They were pretty excited.

Who can resist Bensie?

Our reunion was in gorgeous Cottonwood Canyon at Brighton Girls' Camp, which has been run by the LDS church for 90 years. I love going up into the mountains and being surrounded my streams, trees, rocks, and dirt. Something about it awakens a part of my soul that is left dormant by suburban life. When I'm in the mountains, I feel like I'm truly myself.

From our hike around Silver Lake

But my favorite part of the reunion was seeing the love everyone had for each other. I didn't know the extended family very well, but they all treated me with such kindness and welcomed me with open arms. There were no cliques, no fighting, no put-downs, nobody left out. Everyone took care of each other, from the grandparents right down to the little kids. It was heaven on earth.


I had so much fun making bracelets, tie-dying t-shirts, hiking, and sitting around the campfire with my sweet nieces and nephews. I loved getting to help the kids with their crafts and the conversations we had as we worked side by side. Something about working together really helps you bond. Even little Ezra, who has always been shy around me before, opened up as we painted rocks together. I feel like I know the temperament of each child in the family now - Lauryn is bubbly and outgoing, Adri is graceful and introverted, Benson and Adi are sweet and easygoing. I feel like I am finding my place in the family, and that I really belong. I feel loved and accepted - and isn't that what family is all about?

Little Pierce, or "Baby Bierce" as he's been dubbed by Benson

Adri's face when Brandon claimed the bunk next to mine

Benson putting on sunscreen

My new favorite photo of us

I'm so glad that I found sweet Brandon who added me to this sweet family who loves me as much as my own. I feel so blessed to belong to 3 wonderful families - mine, my husband's and the one we will create together. I don't think that I could be any luckier. 

Our story.

Since many of you have asked, here is the story of me and Brandon. It's long and complicated at times, but it has a happy ending, I promise you. :]


Brandon and I met in our FHE group during the summer term. He had been living in a different complex for several years and felt that he should move to Sparks in the spring. I bought my friend Laina's contract for the summer and moved in because I felt that I needed to return to Provo for the summer term. Little did we know that the Lord was doing a great work with our lives. 


Brandon was friends with my roommates and I got to know him through them and FHE. My first impressions of him were that he was quiet and shy, but hilarious once you got him talking and very diligent in his calling - always attractive to a Mormon girl! He remembers playing Settlers of Catan with a group of friends one Sunday evening and noticing that I wasn't competitive in the game, but was willing to trade with everyone. 


He started coming over to our apartment more and more often, and I started to realize that he was interested in me. One Sunday he told us about his 7 year old niece, Adri, who had asked her mom why her uncle wasn't married yet. Brandon's sister-in-law replied that it takes a while to find the right girl, and Adri declared, "I know what kind of girl he needs. She needs to be modest...and calm...and not too fancy." That cute comment turned into this haiku:

Brandon accepted my application and I accepted his invitation for a first date. We went to fly kites at the park, which didn't turn out too well because there wasn't enough wind, but by then I was smitten so it didn't really matter. The next day he held my hand, and we've been inseparable ever since.

We've done all kinds of things in our almost 4 months of dating - hiking, camping, attending General Conference,  tie-dying t-shirts, going to the Opera, going to the temple, his family holiday parties, cooking together, walking around Provo talking about the Gospel and the cute old houses we spy. But my favorite thing to do with him is cuddle up on the couch and relax as he reads me Betsy-Tacy books. To me, that makes him the most romantic man in the world. 

About two weeks ago, I brought up the "M" word. The whole time we'd been dating, I'd been incredibly conflicted because I had a missionary who I had dated pretty seriously. Brandon had hinted at marriage, and I really really wanted to marry him - but I was so confused. I just couldn't figure out what was right. Finally, that night, I told him the whole story and all of my true feelings. He took it very well. "I knew this might happen when I started dating you," Brandon assured me. "But no matter what happens, it has been worth it. You have brought me so much joy and have changed me for the better. Whatever you decide, I am grateful for this experience." It was then that I realized just how incredible this man was, and how terrified I was to lose him. 

After a lot of fasting and praying and counseling with the Lord, I finally received my answer - that I should marry Brandon. I told him right before Thanksgiving, and told my family when I saw them over the holidays. They have been so loving and supportive, and I am so grateful for them. 

Yesterday we went to the Garden Restaurant at Temple Square where we had a beautiful view of the Salt Lake Temple where we are going to be married for time and all eternity. He gave me the ring we picked out, and tears filled my eyes. I am so, so blessed. 

The decision to marry Brandon has brought more joy and peace into my life than I've ever felt before. Every day I discover more of Brandon's amazing qualities and fall more deeply in love with him. He is a good listener. He brings me peace when I'm stressed. He protects me and takes care of me. He's adorable. He makes me laugh. He makes me want to be a better person. He helps me to refocus on what really matters. He helps me feel God's love for me. He writes sweet, sensitive blog posts about me. He never criticizes me, or anyone else for that matter. He adores me and honors me and I know he will for all eternity. He is the perfect match for me, and I am completely, unabashedly, unequivocally happy. 


We'd love to send you a wedding announcement! If you put your address in here, we'll get one to you at the beginning of January. 

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single BYU co-ed on her way to possession of a BFA, must be in want of a husband.

Well, after lots of fasting and praying and pondering and phone calls to my mom, I am engaged! I am marrying Brandon Moon in the Salt Lake Temple on February 18th.

Brandon and I met in our FHE group during the summer term. We became friends and started hanging out more and more until he asked me on a date to fly kites with him at the park. (How cute is that?!) The next day he held my hand, and we've been inseparable ever since.


Brandon is amazing. He is calm and steady, which helps me so much when I start to get overwhelmed and stressed out. He understands the introverted, homebody side of me and encourages me to slow down and simplify my life. He is incredibly loving and takes such good care of me. He has a burning desire to serve the Lord, to raise a righteous family, and just to do what is right. He reminds me so much of my sweet father. He is reserved and quiet when you first meet him, but once you get him talking you discover his tender heart, his great sense of humor, his integrity and then you realize - he is a treasure. He loves me and honors me even though I am crazy and sometimes ridiculous. He always sees the best in me. His gifts fill my gaps, and he is the perfect match for me. I am the luckiest girl in the world. :] 


Remember how nervous I was to return to Provo in the summer? If I had not come back, I never would have met Brandon. 


I have learned so much from this experience already. It has not been an easy decision; my choice will hurt many good people (including a certain missionary in Ukraine). But as I have counseled with the Lord, I have come to know with every bone in my body and every fiber of my being that this is right. His sweet peace guides me, sustains me, and fills me with indescribable joy. From this experience, I have learned that everything will work out just how God wants it to. We just need to be willing to listen and act on the promptings He gives us. 


Thank you for your love and support throughout this journey. I look forward to sharing my many new adventures with you. If you want to know more about Brandon, you can blog-stalk him here. We will probably not be combining blogs because I want this one to tell my story - but rest assured that you will hear a lot about him and I will post lots of beautiful wedding pictures :]


Happy Holidays to you all!

PS- Brandon just wrote his own blogpost on the subject, and it's the sweetest thing I've ever read. If you need any more reasons to love him, read it!

It's the climb.

Image found here.

I'm packing up my clothes, boxing up odds and ends, taking pictures off the walls - and it's suddenly becoming real. For weeks I've been dreading the prospect of leaving all the kind, selfless, amazing people in this apartment complex and the 104th ward, and now it's hit me. It's finally here. 


It's another one of the shoving matches in my heart. I don't want to leave my sweet roommates. Push. I'm excited to live with my best friend Courtney. Shove. I'm just settling into a comfortable social dynamic in this ward. Push. There will probably be fantastic people in my new ward. Nudge. I long to stay with what is familiar. Pull. I know I need to have faith in the future. God has taken care of me in the past, and I know He will do so again. 


Miley Cyrus' "The Climb" comes up on my playlist. And even though it's silly, frothy, ridiculous Miley Cyrus, the lyrics seem to fit exactly what I'm going through. 

There's always gonna be another mountain

Always gonna want to make it move

Always gonna be an uphill battle 

Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there

Ain't about what's waiting on the other side

It's the climb

Life's a climb, but the view is great. If I stop at this point, I'll never get to see what other scenes the Lord has planned for me. Even though my heart is heavy, I'll just have to keep moving forward with the knowledge that God never forsakes and that through the Atonement we can be with the ones we love for eternity. 


And I'm going to enjoy this climb.

We must be willing to let go.

Quote by E.M. Forester

Image found here.

I'm something of a hoarder. I get anxious about losing things, letting them go. Part of me fears that the joy will never return. 

I had trouble at the beginning of the semester, and I'm having trouble now that it's nearing the end. 

I was terrified to move into this ward. I knew absolutely no one and felt certain that I would struggle with roommates and spend many nights in my room feeling lonely. My dad gave me a priesthood blessing that promised that I would make friends and not be lonely. I had no idea just how happy I would be here. I feel like I've just settled in, and now it's almost time to uproot and leave again. 

I'm trying to remember all the good things that fall semester will bring - living closer to campus with my best friend, having my little sister in town, fun classes like modern dance and art studio, singing in University Choral, old friends returning to town, getting back into art history, Men's Chorus concerts, new opportunities, fall leaves, bouquets of freshly sharpened pencils. But the life I'm living right now is so rich and abundant that I'm having trouble doing anything but grieve. 

I ran across this video yesterday that seemed to deal with exactly what I'm going through. "You have to see your future," the choreographer, Mia Michaels, remarks. "You can't just sit in what's comfortable; you have to go on and keep challenging yourself."

I hope that my future holds such light. 


Robert Browning wrote:
Grow old along with me!
The best is yet to be,
The last of life, for which the first was made:
Our times are in His hand
Who saith, “A whole I planned,
Youth shows but half; trust God: see all, nor be afraid!”

What do you do when you don't want to let go, when changes approach that you aren't ready to face? How do you accept the Lord's will and go forward with faith?

For now, I'm turning to one of my favorite talks and giving myself some sweet ol' time, knowing that eventually I will see the whole God has planned for me. 

Visiting Teaching Under the Stars.

Image by Giovanni Stari.

"Let's sit outside," she said.

(There was too much going on in her apartment anyway.)

So we squished ourselves on a bench,

All three of us

Two visiting teachers

and one teachee.

We talked for a while

about our lives,

our backgrounds,

our classes,

our plans,

our hopes,

our dreams.

And then we prayed.

It felt a little strange,

to be praying outside

where the evening swimmers could hear us,

but she said we should go for it.

It's just like her, 

to jump in head-first,

joyful,

fearless.

We shared the visiting teaching message.

We talked about the blessing of eternal families,

how to protect them,

how to strengthen them.

We shared stories of our own families.

We bore our souls,

sharing joys and losses

and gratitude 

for the Gospel of Jesus Christ

which teaches that death is not the end. 

We had come to teach her,

 but in reality,

she was teaching us.

She is naturally strong in the areas where I am weak,

and her simple observations taught me

how I can be better.

I hope she knows

the gift she has given me.

We were strangers a month ago,

but that night,

we became friends.

as three different hearts

were knit together 

by the love of Christ.

We may only be together for a short time,

but our friendship will last much longer

and we will never forget that night

when we sat together on a little bench,

bare arms tickled by the warm summer breeze,

and enjoyed our view of the star-filled sky. 

For it was then

that we caught a glimpse

of God's plan for us

and the joys of eternity.

My love's too big for you, my love.

Image found here.

What do you do when someone doesn't want you in their life anymore?

As my little sister wrote in her latest blog post, it can me take a long time to love someone. But once my heart is open, I am fiercely loyal. "You don't throw people away, Tasha," is how my mother explained it. Like my sister, I believe that my loyalty is somewhat inherent, but my mother has helped bring it out in me. She has taught me in words and examples how to mend awkward relationships and move past painful experiences to discover the beauty and nourishment of friendships. When I was in the moment, it seemed so much easier to leave difficult relationships behind and start on something new. But now some of those relationships that once were awkward are so nourishing and important in my life. I am deeply grateful that my mom taught me to hold on, for people are not garbage but eternal beings with limitless beautiful and potential.

But sometimes people make the decision for us. They want to let go of the relationship and move forward without looking back. They want to throw it all away.

And for me, that it is hard.

I was contemplating this the other day and feeling guilty for not being able to mend some relationships, when Ingrid Michaelson's "Sort of" came on my iPod. I was amazed that the lyrics fit my situation so perfectly.

Baby you've got the sort of laugh that waters me
And makes me grow tall and strong and proud and flattens me
I find you stunning, but you are running me down
My love's too big for you my love
My love's too big for you my love

It was like a light switch flipped on. The problem isn't with me; these people are just unwilling to receive what I have to offer. My love is too big for them - but at the same time, I don't feel like I should try to diminish it.

At times I wish I could be more like my sister, that I didn't attach so deeply because I end up getting hurt. But then the Spirit whispers that this is who I am, and there is nothing wrong with that.

God has guided me through this lifelong process of rejection. He has taught me how to be full of love but direct it down different paths. Just because some people do not want the love I have to offer doesn't mean that it is not needed elsewhere. I find that the more I learn to love the Lord and the people He has placed in my life, the more love I have for these people who have rejected me. It is a different kind of love, though. It is respectful and calm and patient. It recognizes that I do not have to be a part of someone's everyday life to still care about them and find ways to serve them. And it hopes that somehow in the course of the eternities, differences can be reconciled and our hearts can be knit together in the love of God.

Heavenly Father knows all about this. He has children who do not want Him in their lives. He faces rejection every day. And yet, He still loves those children perfectly, wholely. I feel that He

is teaching me in a small measure about His love - and let me tell you, it is breathtaking.

My love may be too big for you, but that's OK. Jesus Christ can help us make everything right again.

And He will, in His own due time.

Why I Went Home for the Spring

My patriarchal blessing says that part of my mission in life is to serve youth. I’ve always assumed that I would fulfill part of that as an EFY counselor as soon as I could. But as we all know, the Lord plans things differently.

I was heartbroken that EFY didn’t work out this year. I am still not completely over it. But now as I end my spring at home and begin my summer back at BYU, I think I can see why the Lord had me come home for this short season.

My sister and I haven’t been close for the last couple years. She wears awesome thrift store dresses; I wear T-shirts and jeans. She listens to 80s records and underground bands; I love the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. She devours the works of Henry David Thoreau and Kurt Vonnegut, while I am content read “Little Women” over and over and over again. Yup, we've definitely had our differences.

Yet in the last 8 weeks, everything has changed.

When I came home for the Spring, Megan was ready and excited to spend time with me. And I was ready to do the same with her. We have both had personal issues to work out over the years that limited what we could give to each other. But now that we had each been strengthened and humbled, we recognized how much we had to learn from one another.

I am amazed at how much my sister has sacrificed for me. Whenever we’d drive together, instead of putting in her iPod like she did a couple years ago, she would let me pick the soundtrack. When I bought tickets to the midnight premiere of Toy Story 3, she agreed to go along with us even though all her friends were planning to go as well. When she could have been working or playing with her friends she took time off to spend time with me and the rest of her family. Some of her friends are annoyed that she hasn’t been with them as much, but I hope she finds comfort knowing that her sacrifice brings tears to my eyes. She has grown and matured so much; I am proud of the young woman she has become and look forward to watch her continue to grow into a woman of God.

If I had had my way, I would have spent this spring doing fabulous things to serve other youth, leading inspiring devotionals, being a good example, changing the kids’ lives. But Heavenly Father knew that at this moment, the youth I needed to serve was my dear sister.

How grateful I am for the Lord's influence in my life that has brought me to this beautiful relationship with my sister!

Our most important and powerful assignments are in the family. They are important because the family has the opportunity at the start of a child’s life to put feet firmly on the path home. Parents, brothers and sisters, grandparents, aunts and uncles are made more powerful guides and rescuers by the bonds of love that are the very nature of a family. - Henry B. Eyring

The Assurance of Things Hoped For

It was so hard to come back to Utah for the summer term. So, so hard.

I feel closer to my family than ever before. We have had amazing adventures together, and summer will bring the start of many more.

I am jumping into a new ward with new roommates that I've never met - and I have been terrified.

I can't help but wonder - why does the Lord want me to go back to school right now?

And honestly, I don't know.

But I do know that that is what He wants me to do.

The doubts do come and my heart does feel troubled, but the Lord continues to pour sweet, Holy peace into this heart that is empty with longing for my four best friends in the world.

I may be missing them, but God's peace always returns.

We have so little faith in the ebb and flow of life, of love, of relationships. We leap at the flow of the tide and resist in terror its ebb. We are afraid it will never return. We insist on permanency, on duration, on continuity; when the only continuity possible, in life as in love, is in growth, in fluidity - in freedom, in the sense that the dancers are free, barely touching as they pass, but partners in the same pattern. -Anne Morrow Lindbergh

We five are partners in the same dance, a dance that will continue for all eternity.

Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. -JST Hebrews 11:11

"All my life, I've lived for loving you."

My amazing little sister graduates from high school this week, and so for her graduation present I decided to make a slideshow celebrating her life and everything she is.

Our family watched it and bawled our eyes out.

The combination of me returning to BYU on Saturday and Megan's preparations to leave home at the end of August has made us a little nostalgic.

But we have faith in Heavenly Father's plan for us; we know that "some things are meant to be."

"All my life, I've lived for loving you. Let me go now."

Now I Can See.

"He Anointed the Eyes," by Walter Rane

Women's Chorus. Folk Dance Team. Nauvoo Performing Missionary. College Scholarship. Trip to Europe.

So many of my dreams have turned to disappointment in the last year.

And now, EFY Counselor.

This one was especially hard. I've dreamed of being an EFY Counselor ever since my first year as a participant, and I've spent those last 6 years planning and preparing for then day when I would be old enough to do it. This disappointment was also hard because for they did accept me, but the logistics simply didn't work out. It made me wonder if any of my dreams will actually come true.

In the depths of my grief, the voice of the Spirit whispered, "Abundant life, Abundant life. Have faith in the promise of Abundant life."

As I look around me, now I can see the abundance of my life.

While I may not have everything I have dreamed of, I have what matters most. I have good relationships with amazing friends, supportive family, and my Heavenly Father. I have opportunities to learn, to serve and to grow. I have the fullness of the Gospel in my life. I have everything that will last for eternity.

"Maybe I am supposed to go," I wondered when I first heard the news of my acceptance. "I know it's my little sister's graduation, but maybe there's some kid going to EFY out there that I really need to teach." But then I remembered that I have no power to change; only the Atonement can do that. And the Atonement will be taught at EFY whether I'm there or not. My family is eternal, and right now the Lord wants me to be with them.

So often I think that I have to be involved in certain organizations and programs to really serve (which is why I have gone out for so many performing groups). It seems that Heavenly Father is trying to teach me a different way to serve. He is trying to teach me to lift where I stand, to perform little kindnesses each day, to live a life of service rather than spend a couple weeks in a leadership position. He is trying to teach me how to become more like Him.

Langston Hughes once wrote,

What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?

And today, I have an answer for him.

I have deferred my own dreams for something better - to live the dreams that God has for me. Yes, my dreams have dried like raisins in the sun and have been left by the wayside to die. But God has something more magnificent, more glorious planned for my life. My dreams were of a temporal nature, but God knows that I am an eternal being that can do so much more. I had planned to be a small sapling, but Lord is helping me to become a majestic redwood tree.

So what happens to a dream deferred? Well, if you are lucky, it is replaced by a dream of eternal life, which is a dream that God will help every one of us obtain.

"Christ in Gethsemane," by Joseph Brickey

I'm sure He had quite a different plan for His life. How grateful I am that Christ had the faith to defer His dreams to follow Heavenly Father's plan.

And look at what He gained.

"He Lives," by Simon Dewey

In my trials, Christ has anointed my eyes.

And now, I can see.

Where did May go?

Image found here.

As I sit here just hours away from the first of June, I once again wonder how time passes so quickly. Sometimes it terrifies me.

Yesterday I sat in church hand in hand with my beautiful little sister. We haven't been very close in the last few years. Our differences and our pride kept us from being as close as we ought to have been. But in the last year both of our hearts have been softened. We have realized what a treasure sisterhood is and how much we both need one another. We pledged to work on our relationship this summer, and with the help of Jesus Christ, our hearts are knit together once more. As we sat in church with our hands clasped, I felt like a Frida Kahlo painting; the gospel has united our hearts once more. How grateful I am for the love of Jesus Christ that melts the ice from our hearts, freeing them to blossom once more. And how grateful I am to have an amazing, inspirational sister who is willing to open her heart to me.

I've experienced great healing, progression and joy in my stay at home, and now I am getting really nervous about the upcoming changes. I'm nervous to leave my family and return to BYU, nervous that I won't get to do everything I want to in my last 3 weeks at home, nervous that my brother will miss me. And then come the fears about the rest of my future - fear that I may never get to be an EFY counselor, fear at the thought of graduating in 2 years and saying goodbye to the university I love so dearly, fear of trying to find a job and the great unknown that comes after all that. I guess I just don't deal well with change at all. Even as a child I couldn't jump into the swimming pool; I drove my cousins crazy with my snail-like descent into the water, insisting that I needed the time to adjust. And I still do.

I think I fear change because it comes right when I've adjusted from the last curve ball God has thrown me and come to recognize the abundance God has given me. When change approaches, I wonder if the future can hold anything as wonderful as I what I already have.

Thank goodness for living prophets who remind me to have faith.

Last night, when the fears and anxiety started to surround me, I put on one of my favorite BYU Devotionals, "Remember Lot's Wife" by Jeffrey R. Holland. And even though he gave the address 18 months ago and I've already listened to it dozens of times, last night his words were just what I needed. He said:

I plead with you not to dwell on days now gone, nor to yearn vainly for yesterdays, however good those yesterdays may have been....Faith is always pointed toward the future. Faith always has to do with blessings and truths and events that will yet be efficacious in our lives. So a more theological way to talk about Lot’s wife is to say that she did not have faith. She doubted the Lord’s ability to give her something better than she already had. Apparently she thought—fatally, as it turned out—that nothing that lay ahead could possibly be as good as those moments she was leaving behind....

Some of you [are] having thoughts such as these: Is there any future for me? What does a new year or a new semester or a new major or a new romance hold for me? Will I be safe? Will life be sound? Can I trust in the Lord and in the future? Or would it be better to look back, to go back, to go home?

To all such of every generation, I call out, “Remember Lot’s wife.” Faith is for the future. Faith builds on the past but never longs to stay there. Faith trusts that God has great things in store for each of us and that Christ truly is the “high priest of good things to come.”
I know that there is much good in my future. Whenever changes come, they are because God wants me to learn and experience new things. He will help me be ready and help me adjust. If I keep His commandments, I will be able to find peace and happiness no matter where He takes me.
We have so little faith in the ebb and flow of life, of love, of relationships. We leap at the flow of the tide and resist in terror its ebb. We are afraid it will never return. We insist on permanency, on continuity; when the only continuity possible, in life as in love, is in growth, in fluidity - in freedom, in the sense that the dancers are free, barely touching as they pass, but partners in the same pattern. -Anne Morrow Lindbergh
"Lord, I believe: help thou mine unbelief." -Mark 9:24

Abundant Life

Photo by Fabio Visentin

Did you know there is a section in the Topical Guide called "Abundant Life"?

Most of the scriptures referenced there are about temporal prosperity - riches in the house, barns filled with plenty, fullness of the Earth. But one of these verses caught my eye.

The reference here for Matthew 16:25 reads, "lose his life for my sake shall find it," indicating the abundant life is the life that is lost.

Most of the time, I think of gaining more abundance. It's not often that I think about giving up some of the abundance I already have.

But right now, that is what has been asked of me.

I came home from Utah on Thursday, and it has been lovely. My family has hiked and enjoyed beautiful flowers and played checkers and had lots of fun together, but I haven't been completely at peace. I love my family, and I love spending time with them. But I've felt stuck. There just aren't many opportunities here for me to progress. I've felt unsettled and not at peace, and then felt guilty for not being happy. My family (and especially my younger siblings) have been so excited for me to come home, and I put a lot of pressure on myself to meet the expectations. I forgot that it is impossible for me, a 20 year-old college student, to meet the social needs of a 9 year-old.

So I've decided to go back to BYU for summer term.

There are a few factors involved. I have a scholarship for summer term and rent is cheaper, which will save me money. My friend has been anxious to sell her contract, so that helped both of us out. The shortness of my visit will help the whole family to appreciate it, instead of taking it for granted as we did last time. I will be able to knock out my last two GE requirements and get closer to that elusive graduation date. I can get more working hours in. Most of all, I will find that progression I crave so much.

Oh, but EFY.

I have dreamed of being an EFY counselor since I was 14 years old. I had my interview for the job almost 4 months ago, and have been daydreaming about the experience ever since. I have planned what I wanted to teach my youth, how I could serve them, and how I could best testify of Christ. I have been so excited for this. But if I go back to school for summer term, I can't be an EFY counselor.

That broke my heart.

I started brainstorming ways that I might be able to do both EFY and summer term, but that didn't feel right either. And then the Spirit hit me.

I know without a doubt that God wants me to go back for summer term. I know that for this summer, He does not want me to be an EFY counselor. It might work out next year, but it may not. And I've realized that while EFY had been my dream for 6 years, I never asked God if it was His dream too. Now it is clear that that is not His plan for me.

While part of my heart still aches for EFY, I can feel the Lord healing my wounds with His sweet, sustaining peace.

Verily, verily, I say unto you, That ye shall weep and lament, but the world shall rejoice: and ye shall be sorrowful, but your sorrow shall be turned into joy. -John 16:20

For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it. -Matthew 16:25

OK, Heavenly Father. I'm ready to give up my "abundant life" for a life abounding with the things of eternity.

Bring it on.