Photo by Fabio Visentin
Most of the scriptures referenced there are about temporal prosperity - riches in the house, barns filled with plenty, fullness of the Earth. But one of these verses caught my eye.
The reference here for Matthew 16:25 reads, "lose his life for my sake shall find it," indicating the
But right now, that is what has been asked of me.
I came home from Utah on Thursday, and it has been lovely. My family has hiked and enjoyed beautiful flowers and played checkers and had lots of fun together, but I haven't been completely at peace. I love my family, and I love spending time with them. But I've felt stuck. There just aren't many opportunities here for me to progress. I've felt unsettled and not at peace, and then felt guilty for not being happy. My family (and especially my younger siblings) have been so excited for me to come home, and I put a lot of pressure on myself to meet the expectations. I forgot that it is impossible for me, a 20 year-old college student, to meet the social needs of a 9 year-old.
So I've decided to go back to BYU for summer term.
There are a few factors involved. I have a scholarship for summer term and rent is cheaper, which will save me money. My friend has been anxious to sell her contract, so that helped both of us out. The shortness of my visit will help the whole family to appreciate it, instead of taking it for granted as we did last time. I will be able to knock out my last two GE requirements and get closer to that elusive graduation date. I can get more working hours in. Most of all, I will find that progression I crave so much.
Oh, but EFY.
I have dreamed of being an EFY counselor since I was 14 years old. I had my interview for the job almost 4 months ago, and have been daydreaming about the experience ever since. I have planned what I wanted to teach my youth, how I could serve them, and how I could best testify of Christ. I have been so excited for this. But if I go back to school for summer term, I can't be an EFY counselor.
That broke my heart.
I started brainstorming ways that I might be able to do both EFY and summer term, but that didn't feel right either. And then the Spirit hit me.
I know without a doubt that God wants me to go back for summer term. I know that for this summer, He does not want me to be an EFY counselor. It might work out next year, but it may not. And I've realized that while EFY had been my dream for 6 years, I never asked God if it was His dream too. Now it is clear that that is not His plan for me.
While part of my heart still aches for EFY, I can feel the Lord healing my wounds with His sweet, sustaining peace.
Verily, verily, I say unto you, That ye shall weep and lament, but the world shall rejoice: and ye shall be sorrowful, but your sorrow shall be turned into joy. -John 16:20
For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it. -Matthew 16:25
OK, Heavenly Father. I'm ready to give up my "abundant life" for a life abounding with the things of eternity.
Bring it on.