sometimes I feel guilty

when I spend the day cleaning my room, making phone calls, prepping for the wedding, reading, attempting to cook, chatting online with my sweetie, getting lost in the etsy vortex,

and never quite make it to being academically productive.

but at the same time

another part of my feels completely and blissfully

accomplished, balanced, and at peace.

I am trying to retrain my mind

to remember that happiness doesn't come from strict adherence to deadlines,

that self-worth doesn't lie in a long list of worldy accomplishments,

but true joy comes in living.

and sometimes, 

just breathing

is enough.

Image found here.

Do you ever forget about grace? I sure do. 


Somehow Monday snatches me up and takes me far, far away from the spiritual world of Sunday, takes me to a place that is crammed with tests and assignments and deadlines and pressures and the unspoken but undeniable fear that you will never be good enough. 


And there I stay. 


I frantically run around in circles like an animal in a cage, trying in vain to accomplish my list of tasks with a perfection that I can never attain. I keep searching for hope and joy and meaning, but can never find it there. And then the thoughts of doubt and the despair fill my mind. Why am I so busy? Why is life so hard? Why can't I accomplish the simple things I need to get done? Will I ever finally be able to do it on my own? But then I remember that God doesn't want me to do it alone. He wants us to come unto Him and ask for help - but in running the frenzied race of my life, I have forgotten. 


No, I'll never be able to do it on my own. I will always need Christ and His Atonement. 


I love this insight from Corrie Ten Boom and have tried to make it the motto of my life. 
During World War II, Corrie and her sister Betsie were imprisoned in a concentration camp in Germany. They decided to use this opportunity to lead Bible studies and share their testimonies of Christ. But even while engaged in God's work, Corrie found it hard to fight her instincts of self-preservation and soon lost the hope and joy that she had previously found in her service. 

"And so I struggled on with worship and teaching that had ceased to be real," Corrie wrote, "until one drizzly raw afternoon when just enough light came through the window the read by, I cam to Paul's account of his 'thorn in the flesh.' Three times, he said, he had begged God to take away his weakness, whatever it was. And each time God had said Rely on Me. At last Paul concluded -the words seemed to leap from the page- that his very weakness was something to give thanks for. Because now Paul knew that none of the wonders and miracles which followed his ministry could be due to his own virtues. It was all Christ's strength, never Paul's.

And there it was. 

The truth blazed like sunlight in the shadows of Barracks 28. The real sin I had been committing was not that of inching toward the center of a platoon because I was cold. The real sin lay in thinking that any power to help and transform came from me. Of course it was not my wholeness, but Christ's that made the difference."

Every time I read that passage, I weep. I'm not sure why this is such a struggle for me, why I forget Christ and His transforming wholeness day after day when I have pictures of Him taped up in every room of my apartment, but I do. Such is the challenge of our fast-paced, technological society. 


But the beauty is that I don't have to fight this battle on my own. I don't have to save myself. I have His arm of mercy to lean on, His Atonement to cleanse me of my sins, His heart full of love to heal me and His example to teach me how to become like Him. 


Yes, I may have forgotten grace, but grace has never forgotten me. 

Walter Rane, "One by One"

"For we labor diligently to write, to persuade our children, 

and also our brethren, to believe in Christ, and to be reconciled to God; 

for we know that it is by grace that we are saved, after all we can do." 

-2 Nephi 25:23

Know who you are.

Image found here.

"Those who drive steamrollers should know who they are," my choir director told us a month ago at the beginning of rehearsal. "But really, every one of us drives a steamroller. You may not have a powerful influence in my life, but what about your roommate's life, or your little brother's life, or your best friend's life? Remember that you drive a steamroller."

Some days, I fervently wish that I did not drive a steamroller. Sometimes I am afraid of my influence and of the consequences of my actions. Sometimes I feel that which ever direction I turn I am going to crumple someone's arm or leg or foot, and that whatever decision I make, I will always hurt or frustrate someone who has trusted me. Life is so painful and so messy that I go crazy wishing it could be another way.

But to ask God to give me a bicycle instead of a steamroller would be asking Him to make me something less than what He has designed me to be, and to ask for an easier life would be asking Him  to change His eternal plan of happiness.

President Dieter F. Uchtdorf recently counseled us to "trust your Heavenly Father. Trust Him enough to follow His plan."   

All I can do is try my best and ask the Lord to help me embrace the role He has given me as a steamroller operator.

I know He will help me learn this in time, for His love does miraculous, beautiful, transforming things. 

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"A ship is safe in harbor, but that's not what ships are for." -Elder Claudio R.M. Costa

It is not for unsteady souls.

 Image found here.

"You have to love dancing to stick to it. It gives you nothing back, 
no manuscripts to store away, no paintings to show on walls and maybe 
hang in museums, no poems to be printed and sold, nothing but that 
single fleeting moment when you feel alive. It is not for unsteady souls." 
- Merce Cunningham

 

It's true.  Sometimes dancing is really hard. There are days when my muscles ache, my feet are all blistered, my arms are scraped up, the steps just won't click, and I wonder why I keep doing this to myself. There are days when I want so badly to quit. 

But there are other days when I forget my battle scars, both physical and emotional, and I just focus on the movement. There are days when I can feel myself progressing and I dance with joy in my face and in every cell of my body. There are days when, as Cunningham said, I have that fleeting moment when I feel so intensely, beautifully alive. There are days when dancing helps me catch a vision of the divinity God put inside me and who He wants me to be. 

And that is why I dance - not for a grade, not to be fabulous (because I am certainly not), but for those spiritual moment that steady my soul and help me catch a glimpse of eternity. 

 Photo by Lois Greenfield.

Staying Balanced in a Turbulent World

Image found here.

I have a friend who is an amazing woman. At her best, she is full of testimony and conviction, radiant with the love of Christ, and a joy to be with. Being with her makes me want to be a better person. But in recent years, she has changed. She has become busy with work and school and research and volunteering and many good things. She has great desires to serve and do amazing things in this world, but in pursuing that she has lost the light and joy in her eyes. She is tired and burdened. She is not happy. 


I miss the girl she used to be, her happy self, her best self, her true self. She has grown so busy with preparing to serve in the future that she has no energy left to serve right now, much less enjoy it. Maybe if she knew how her simple joy and goodness has blessed me, she would de-clutter her life and try to remember the girl she used to be. Oh, how I wish she would. 


Anne Morrow Lindbergh wrote:


Woman today is still searching. We are aware of our hunger and needs, but still ignorant of what will satisfy them. With our garnered free time, we are more apt to drain our creative springs than to refill them. With our pitchers, we attempt sometimes to water a field, not a garden. We throw ourselves indiscriminantly into committees and causes. Not knowing how to feed the spirit, we try to muffle its demands in distractions. Instead of stilling the center, the axis of the wheels, we add more centrifugal activities to our lives - which tend to throw us off balance. Mechanically we have gained, in the last generation, but spiritually we have, I think, unwittingly lost.


Fortunately, the Gospel of Jesus Christ provides the answer. When we make time to have a relationship with God and choose to make Him the center of our lives, the wheel slows down. We have peace in our souls and a greater capacity to serve. Our needs are satisfied. 


This week has been so busy as I've tried to balance tests, papers, my social life, my spirituality, and that lovely little thing called sleep. There have been times when I have been tempted to skip my prayers or daily scripture study, but each time I have chosen to put my relationship with Heavenly Father first, I have been blessed. I have been more productive, more peaceful, and more joyful. I have learned that I must make God my first priority if I want to accomplish good things and be happy while I'm doing it. 


If you find yourself feeling discouraged, overwhelmed, depressed, burdened, or unhappy, ask yourself these questions:
*Have I talked to my Heavenly Father today?
*Have I read the scriptures today?
*How is my spiritual standing? What can I do to improve it?


I find that whenever I feel sad or overwhelmed, it is because I have forgotten to make God my first priority. It is impossible to be truly happy when He is not first in our lives. But here is the remarkable thing - as soon as I ask forgiveness for my carelessness and strive to improve my spirituality, my heart is filled with peace and joy. I can feel God's forgiveness and love for me. 


Our Heavenly Father desires so earnestly for us to come unto Him. He can make your life amazingly joyful if you will just let Him into your life. 

Focusing on our Strengths

Image found here.

First thing in my dance class this morning, our teacher sat us down. "We need to have a serious talk," she told the class. 

"I know that you focus so much on your weaknesses, because that's just how we are. We don't say to ourselves at the end of the day, 'I am just so awesome! I did a million things right!' People just aren't naturally like that. 

"Today, I want to focus on your strengths. I really think that you need to be just as aware of them as you are of your weaknesses. That way, instead of starting where you lack and trying to get better, you can start with what you are good at and build from there."

So she told each of us, by name, in front of the whole class, what gifts she saw in us. It was absolutely beautiful. I could feel each heart open and the class truly become a unified whole. 

It was marvelous to hear about the other dancers' strengths. Erika dances with passion. Matt is a born performer. Cassie is open and pure. Lindsey is an eternal optimist. Stephanie is grounded and full of strength. Jonathan has explosive energy. I too have seen these qualities in my classmates but haven't always been able to define them in words. Identifying each person's strengths helped me realize what a remarkable group we are. Our gifts fill each others' gaps. We help another. We reach new heights as we depend on and build off of each other.

And then, towards the end, my turn came. I was a little nervous, because I have really struggled in this class. I don't have the training and experience that my classmates do. I see so many weaknesses in my dancing. I wondered what she would say about me. 

"Tasha," the instructor began quietly, "has remarkable confidence and courage. Sometimes she lets herself forget that, but she always picks herself back up and keeps trying. Each day that she walks through that door is a powerful act of confidence. She shows that she is not afraid to try hard things, and I think the Lord is pleased with that. He wants to us do things that are difficult, because they help us grow. Tasha is not afraid to do that which is hard."

To hear those words of praise from the teacher of a class I struggle in, from someone who has seen my weaknesses and evaluated them with a number - that meant the world to me.

Why don't we do this more often? Why do we focus so much on weakness in ourselves, in our peers, in our communities? Why are we so obsessed with the negative? Negativity does not bring life or growth. It does not motivate me to keep trying. But when I think about positive things like my potential or my strengths or the help my Heavenly Father has promised me, I find the strength and desire to keep moving forward. 

Let us become more positive. Let us appreciate the goodness in ourselves, in our friends, and in the world around us. Let us fill our lives with the energy of positivity and the Love of God. I truly believe that these are the factors that can change our hearts and better the world.

*****************************************************

 ‘Be not faithless, but believing.’ Believe in yourselves, in your capacity as a son or daughter of God, to do great and good things. 
-President Gordon B. Hinckley

Productivity, the Hubble Telescope, and God's Grace

Photo found here.

Sometimes I measure my worth on my productivity. It's a nasty habit.

In a world so focused on appearances and earthly accomplishments, I often forget what is most important and get hard on myself for not doing or being everything I "should." And every time it turns out that my perceptions of what people expect of me are totally ridiculous. I expect so much more from myself than anyone else does.

So yesterday when I got off of work early, I started making a mental checklist of everything I should get done with my extra time. But when I went to do those things, I found myself tired and empty; I simply could not be productive right then.

So, I let go. I just sat and watched Saved by the Bell and did not worry about my to-do list. And I realized how much I needed to just be still.

Being productive and accomplishing goals is important. But for perfectionists like me, we sometimes need a reminder that it is OK to slow down and take care of ourselves, so that when the time comes to go to work, we can do it with a grateful heart and a cheerful countenance.

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Last night I went to the science center with my parents and my brother to watch an Imax movie about the Hubble Telescope. Not being anything close to a scientist, I didn't know much about the Hubble Telescope or the fantastic things it photographs.

I was blown away.

The narrator described the unbelievable celestial phenomena depicted on the screen. Images from thousands of lightyears away. Cloud canyons where stars are born. Multiple galaxies with solar systems like our own. The vastness of the universe overwhelmed me.

But what was more overwhelming is the role I play in that universe. Despite my classification as a small, ordinary girl without much significance in anything worldly significant, God still loves me. The most wondrous, powerful being in the universe, the one who has created all the galaxies, nebulas, and supernovea also created me. Even though I am not as big or awe-inspiring as those celestial objects, I am His daughter, and He created all of those things so that I could return home to Him and receive exaltation. While astronomy is breath-taking, it is His children that He glories in (see Moses 1:39).

Even though I am a very small speck in the vastness of the universe and the eternal nature of its existence, Heavenly Father has a specific plan for me. He has given me unique gifts to accomplish a special mission during my time on this Earth and my life in the eternities after that. While countless other children and creations seek Him, He still answers whenever I call. I may not be able to shine as brightly as a mere star, but He knows that I have the potential to obtain a glory just as brilliant as His.

And the best part? God restrain me with a timeline. He doesn't base my worth on my productivity. He finds value in me merely because I am His daughter.

God's ability to simultaneously see the hairs on my head within the infinite nature of eternity baffles me. I so often find myself forgetting the big picture to obsess over details that don't matter. I don't want that; I want to have an eternal perspective like The Father's.

But I'll be patient. I know He'll help me develop it - one day at a time.

Little Wonders.

Photo found here.

Spring is here. The transformation is beautiful. Snow has melted, new plant life bursts through the soil that has been hidden all winter, people shed their coats and lay on the grass. But even more amazing is seeing how God opens and thaws people's hearts.

I was so touched by all of your comments on my recent post, "Who I was born to be." I was a little hesitant to write all of that because some of it was personal. But also because it was long and it was about me and I was afraid that it would be boring. But I felt a drive to write all of those feelings. I had to do it, mostly for my sake. But I hoped that reading of my experience might be able to help someone out there who was going through the same thing.

I had no idea.

I got a father's blessing before I left for school in August, and in it I was promised that I would be able to use my disappointments to bless others. When I heard those words I was worried. I had dreams of women's chorus and folk dance, and I wanted those dreams to be realized. The road of disappointment did not sound fun to me.

But now as I am seeing that promised blessing being fulfilled, I realize that this path is so much better, so much more fulfilling, so much more joyful, so much more eternal! And for the thousandth time, I thank the Lord that His plan played out instead of my own.

Thank you for reading, thank you for commenting, thank you for sharing your experiences with me, thank you for being a part of this little wonder that is my blog.

As John Greenleaf Whittier wrote, "Thee lift me, and I'll lift thee, and we'll both ascend together."

Thank you for ascending with me. I look forward to going even higher.

Peace.

Peace is such a beautiful, mysterious tender mercy. I am so at peace in my life right now, surprisingly right in the midst of finals! I have finally learned to love the person I have been struggling with the most without letting them pull me down. This has been my greatest challenge this semester, but I finally feel that I am mastering this. Recognizing this person's weaknesses and trials has helped me to understand why they have done the things that have hurt me and to forgive them. My anger has been replaced with love and peace. This has come through the enabling power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. How grateful I am for my Savior and how He transforms me!



"Then sing, beloved ones, reach o're the summer sea.
Pour forth thy boundless love for us living!
Sweep into every soul, make music of our tears,
turn all our songs to joy and thanksgiving!
And when we silent pass, from far across the sea
let praises ring for life's wondrous blessing."
-David Warner, "Let Peace then Still the Strife"

Let it out

Today, I had a good talk with a friend. She allowed me to share my struggles, glory in my growth, and just feel. She encouraged me to stay with my feelings, as painful as some of them are, and work through them. Most people think I should suppress my feelings and that will make them magically go away, but this friend has taught me that in allowing myself to feel I work through them and am empowered by them. I am grateful for what this friend has taught me and how she has helped me to discover new things about myself.

How have your friends helped you?