|Brian Kershisnik, Thorn and Sparrows, Found here|
Last night, I filled up my old journal. Tonight I will begin a new one.
After writing my final words in that volume, I flipped back through and reminisced about the last 9 months of my life - my worries when having to decide between my missionary and Brandon, how I decided that he was the one, our engagement, our wedding, our first 5 months of marriage.
I've been sick for the past 6 weeks, and I'm not sure why. (And to nip any rumors in the bud, no, I'm definitely not pregnant.) Although I get enough sleep and take my multi-vitamins, I'm tired all the time. I often have dizziness, migraines, and difficulty concentrating. We've been to the doctor and found out that I'm not anemic, diabetic, or a victim of thyroid problems. He prescribed some medication about a week ago, and it's been helping, but I'm certainly not back to normal yet.
As I read through my old journal entries, I missed my old self. I missed the girl who was able to handle 12-hour school days with a smile on her face. I missed the girl who was so happy and bubbly all the time. I missed the girl who found everything about life to be so exciting. My body has forced me to slow down, and in some ways, I've lost a part of myself.
In my prayers tonight, I asked God to help me bring back the old, energetic me. Instead, He answered, You don't have to be her.
Yes, my body has forced me to slow down, and my spirit has slowed down with it. I've lost a lot of my energy and enthusiasm, but I've gained something in return.
I'm more content with my place in the world. I find more satisfaction in my relationships. I cherish the temple more. I'm driven to my knees more often. I talk to my mother more frequently. I think more deeply and creatively. I'm more content to observe than to join in the action. I have a more eternal perspective.
I have a better relationship with my husband. I have a better relationship with my family. I have a better relationship with myself. I have a better relationship with my Heavenly Father.
This trial has been painful, both physically and emotionally - but I am better for it. I feel like it is helping me to grow up.
As Melissa Young wrote, "I’m finding that my faith is rooted in both optimism and tears."