The Messy Version.

Hillary was my best friend during my teenage years. We met in Christian Youth Theater when I was 12 and she was 13, and we spent the next 6 years doing all kinds of musicals together. We were very much alike; we were both oldest sisters, both liked the same music, both were casted in similar roles, we even had the same hair color and style. "You are just like Hillary," my mom once remarked, "but the messy version."

It was true, one of our few differences was my messiness. Her hair always stayed perfectly in place while mine easily fell limp and stuck up in every direction. Her make-up always stayed nice, while mine always smeared and wore off. (Fortunately she is a whiz at stage make-up, so she was always there to fix it for me.) She always looked so put together while many times I looked like a train wreck. Even her speech and relationships seemed pretty perfect. Sometimes I say things without thinking, but Hillary has always been the epitome of grace and poise.

I didn't mind my mom's comment so much. I acknowledged my messiness and knew that it was part of who I was. But every once in a while I wish I was more like Hillary and less like myself. I see other beautiful people and wonder why my hair looks funny and my clothes get ripped and my mouth says dumb things. Sometimes I long to be flawless. 

When these doubts and self-abusive thoughts come into my mind, I think of my blessings. I have incredible family and friends who don't mind my messiness. They love me for (and in spite of) myself. It is an honor and a blessing to associate with you Christlike people. I learn so much from your examples and testimonies, and you inspire me to be a little bit better every day. Thank you for loving me and teaching me by the way you live your lives.

Heavenly Father could have created me as a less messy person, but for some reason He didn't. He loves me despite my messiness and my shortcomings. Yes, I have weaknesses, but the Lord doesn't let them define me. He knows my strengths, and He knows my heart. He knows that I long to do good. I may not be perfect, but He loves me, and my best is good enough for Him. What a comfort it is to know that!

Sometimes I forget the simple fact that God loves me. I get so caught up in trying to be perfect that I think I have to earn my Heavenly Father's love and do everything on my own. When I finally slow down long enough to listen to the Lord's still, small voice, the message is always the same: "I know you. I love you. I am pleased with you. You are enough. Rely on me." 

Jesus had some messiness in His life too, messiness that left Him with a scarred and imperfect body. He chooses to keep those imperfections as a reminder of what He endured that enables us to transcend our messiness and become perfect, glorified beings.

 "Graven Upon My Palms", Emily Pugmire

I guess my messiness and imperfections make it possible for the glory of God to be manifest in me. In the end, my weaknesses help me learn to rely on the Atonement of Christ and can be a testimony to others of the power of the Atonement. 


And that is quite the reason to be grateful for the messy version. 

An apple tree for an elm tree.

Image found here.

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"Betsy didn't answer. It was strange, she thought, how things worked out. Something was given to you but something was taken away. An apple tree for an elm tree. A raise, but you lost the chance to do what you really wanted to do." 

-Maud Hart Lovelace, "Betsy's Wedding"

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I've been working at Jamba Juice for almost two years now, and I absolutely love it. Everyone who works there is amazing. I have met my best friends there and even my roommate for the fall. Every time I go to work it's a party, plus I feel loved and appreciated and uplifted. The people I work with are true disciples who help me come closer to Christ.

On Thursday, my manager pulled me aside and told me they wanted to promote me. He said they are grateful for all that I do and that they think I would do a great job as a trainer and a team lead. For now I'd just get more hours, but soon I would get a raise as well. Naturally, I was thrilled! I had been hoping for this but had no idea that it would come so soon.

Friday afternoon, not even 24 hours later, I got an email from the art history department. They offered me a position as a teaching assistant in the fall. Logically, it made more sense to take the TA position, which pays better and will give me more experience in my field and with the professors in department - but it just didn't feel right. When I was offered the promotion at Jamba, my heart was full of joy and excitement for this opportunity. Now I only felt doubt, anxiety and fear. 

I had no idea what I should do - so I cast my burden upon the Lord.

I told the Lord that I trusted Him, that I would be willing to walk into the darkness if that was His will. I've done it before, and was blessed so much for it. I know that as I follow God's will now, I will be blessed again. He can see so much better than I can. 

Heavenly Father has promised that whoever asks of Him shall receive an answer. And I certainly did.

I realized that my initial reactions were an evidence in and of themselves. The fruit of the Spirit is the giddy joy and sense of accomplishment I felt when offered the promotion at my current job. Doubt and fear only come from the adversary, and those are the only feelings I felt when I was offered the TA position came up. I’m not sure why the Lord wants me to stay at Jamba, but I know without a doubt that that is His plan for me. And I know that I must follow. 

My mom says this must be a fulfillment of the promise in Malachi 3:10, that if we pay our tithing, “I will open you the windows of heaven, and pour you out a blessing, that there shall not be room enough to receive it.” And I would have to agree. I do not have room to receive all that the Lord is offering me!

I love my job and the people there, and I can't wait for this new adventure. Now the challenge is to have faith in God and the answer He has given me. 

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"Cast not away therefore your confidence, which hath great recompence of reward.

For ye have need of patience, that, after ye have done the will of God, ye might receive the promise.
. . .

. . . If any man draw back, my soul shall have no pleasure in him. . . .

. . . We are not of them who draw back unto perdition. [Hebrews 10:35–36, 38–39; emphasis added]

"In LDS talk that is to say, 'Sure it is tough--before you join the Church, while you are trying to join, and after you have joined.' That is the way it has always been, Paul said, but don't 'draw back,' he warned. Don't panic and retreat. Don't lose your confidence. Don't forget how you once felt. Don't distrust the experience you had. That tenacity is what saved Moses when the adversary confronted him, and it is what will save you." 
-Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, "Cast Not Away Therefore Your Confidence"

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Elm trees are good, but I believe that my apple tree will be even sweeter.

Trust in the Lord, and do good

Sierra Nevada, July 2007

"I felt at peace about this decision," I griped to my friend David, "but things haven't turned out how I thought they would. It has been really tough."

"What have you learned from this experience?" my wise friend asked me.

"Oh my goodness, I have learned so much! I grown closer to my Heavenly Father and learned things that have made me a better person."

"Then that is why you felt at peace with this decision."

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Even with the peace of the gospel and the knowledge that this experience is for my good, it is still difficult at times. Recently I came up with a plan for how I would handle this person who tries my patience (see this post for some background), but whenever I tried to deliver my stinging and witty comebacks, I could not find the courage to do it. I prayed to God to have the strength to execute my plan...

but then realized that I should really be asking Him how He would have me react to this person's negativity.

And He gave me a plan that is much better.

My mom shared some stories with me about two amazing people back home who handled negativity with grace and love without condoning the critical remarks.

Example #1:
It was the end of the Ward Pioneer Day party. There had been many fun games - potato sack races, a 3 legged race, and a rousing game of tug-of-war. The kids were now playing with the giant tug-of-war rope, and Brother T, one of organizers of the event, was most unhappy. He chastised the kids and started angrily winding up the rope. A woman remarked to a friend, "oh, we always let the kids play with that rope." Brother F turned to the sisters and replied, "Brother T has put a lot of work into this event and done a very good job. We need to be grateful for the service he has done for us today." Brother F turned and went to help Brother T clean up his things.

Example #2:
Two women were talking with a new Temple Matron for the San Diego Temple. The Temple Matron was describing the plans for the Christmas Season on the Temple Grounds - lights, different choirs every night, inviting the community to come enjoy the spirit there. One of the other women remarked that these were great ideas and wondered why none of these things had been done before. The Temple Matron lovingly replied, "Sisters, the previous Temple Presidencies have done an excellent job, and we need to be careful that we do not say anything negative about them."

Oh, how I want to be like these amazing people!

I know that this person I am struggling with is not trying to be mean and negative - they just don't know any better. For some reason, they have not learned which comments are acceptable and which comments are hurtful. I have the opportunity to help guide this person as Jesus Christ would, to help them know how much the Savior loves them.

I'm going to need a lot of divine help.

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Trust in the Lord, and do good...Delight thyself also in the Lord; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. Commit thy way unto the Lord; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass. And he shall bring forth thy righteousness as the light, and thy judgment as the noonday. -Psalms 37:3-6

You may have been the only one to sense by inspiration the warning cry. The others may feel, as you will be tempted to think, "Maybe the trouble I thought I saw is just my imagination. What right do I have to judge another? It's not my responsibility. I'll leave it alone until he asks for help." . . . Yet you are under covenant to go to a spiritually wounded child of God. You are responsible to be brave enough and bold enough not to turn away. -Henry B. Eyring

If you act in faith in the Savior and go to someone who is struggling or spiritually wounded, you do not go alone. It is the Lord's work. If you go prayerfully seeking the guidance of the Spirit, He will go before you and He will go with you. He promises you that the power of His atoning sacrifice will strengthen you so that those you seek to help will feel Him and see Him through you. You will help them feel and understand the nurture and the admonition of the Lord. -Kim B. Clark

Treat people as if they were what they ought to be, and you help them to become what they are capable of being. -Goethe

Healing.

Today was a cranky day. It was gray and cold. I was at school extra long because of my evening class. I heard some guys on campus using bad words and talking about girls like they were objects. By the time I got home, I was not feeling very cheery.


And that's where the gospel came in.


I got to talk to my mommy for an hour. We discussed the beauties of the gospel - the reassuring truths that not only anchor us in these trying times but refine us and make our daily interactions beautiful. We talked about the blessings the Lord has poured out in our lives and the blessings that will further come as we do our best to serve Him.


And after an hour of such uplifting conversation and unconditional love, my heart was softened and healed.


After all, my mom likes to say, "There are some people that like to throw cupcakes around, and some people who like to throw dog poo. If you keep throwing cupcakes at the people who are throwing dog poo, eventually they are going to want to eat a cupcake and will have to wash their hands off to do so."

(Don't you just love my mother? I know I do.)


And now, with soft guitar music playing and the message of the gospel running through my mind, the world looks a lot brighter. Thanks again, Heavenly Father.




(Oh, and this video doesn't hurt either.)

Pipe Cleaners and Shining Nights

Last night I was feeling very foolish and frustrated with my weaknesses. My wise mother gave me some good advice. "You know how James [my little brother] likes to make you little presents out of pipe cleaners?" she asked me. "To others they don't mean much, but they are precious to you because he has put his whole heart and the best of his ability into them.


"Sometimes all we can do is make a pipe cleaner creation. It is small and misshapen, not something that the world values. But to Heavenly Father it is precious, and it is enough."


He knows that in time my pipe cleaner creations will become great works of art. I just have to be patient with my pipe cleaner projects as well.

Last night I also listened to one of my favorite old songs, "Sure on this Shining Night" by Morten Lauridsen with lyrics by James Agee. I hadn't heard it for a while and was struck once again by the beauty of the music and the lyrics.

Sure on this shining night
Of star made shadows round,
Kindness must watch for me
This side the ground.

The late year lies down the north.
All is healed, all is health.
High summer holds the earth.
Hearts all whole.
Sure on this shining night I weep for wonder wand'ring far
alone
Of shadows on the stars.



Jesus Christ is my Savior. He "kindly watches" for me. He softens my heart until is "all whole" and "all is healed." He is so patient with me and my meager pipe cleaner creations. His gentleness and forgiveness make me continually "weep for wonder."


And so, on a shining January night, I was sure once more. Sure of the transforming power of the Atonement. Sure of my ability to create beautiful things in the Lord's time and with His help. And sure of His personal love for me.


May we all be "sure on this shining night" of those beautiful truths.

I love my mother

I just got off the phone after an hour long phone call with my mom. I laughed really hard, I teared up a little, I felt the Spirit and was inspired to be a little better. Fortunately for me, this is a normal occurrence in my life. I am so blessed to be able to say that my mom is truly my best friend.

She knows all my secrets and inside jokes, my strengths and my weaknesses. She loves me without restraint and encourages me in all that I do. She recognizes the best in me and chooses to overlook my many flaws. She could have done anything with her life, yet she chose to stay home and make sure I was raised in a home that was full of love.

She is remarkably strong and never fails to stand up for what is right, even when it is not convenient. She has a burning testimony of the Savior Jesus Christ and the Book of Mormon. She deals with many trials, yet bears them with little complaint. She lifts up my knees when they hang down. Even though my problems are probably so insignificant compared to hers, she listens, cares, encourages, and advises. She is one of the hardest and most selfless workers I know. She is a woman of many talents, and yet she has the humility to recognize that they are only to be used in the service of the Lord.

My mother makes life magical. Being with her is a pleasure because she helps create adventures, hilarious moments, spiritual experiences, and a home full of love and peace.

She never wavers in her honor and respect for my father and the other priesthood leaders of the Church. She recognizes and embraces her special role as a woman. She has taught me to be obedient with exactness, to love without restraint, to find joy in the simple things of life.

I hope these feeble words can describe some measure the love and gratitude I have for this remarkable woman. I am so grateful to have her as my mother and my best friend. I could not get by even one day without her.

Proverbs 31:10

"Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies."

I can find a virtuous woman; she is my mother.

Thanks for everything, Mom. I love you.