Image found here.

Do you ever forget about grace? I sure do. 


Somehow Monday snatches me up and takes me far, far away from the spiritual world of Sunday, takes me to a place that is crammed with tests and assignments and deadlines and pressures and the unspoken but undeniable fear that you will never be good enough. 


And there I stay. 


I frantically run around in circles like an animal in a cage, trying in vain to accomplish my list of tasks with a perfection that I can never attain. I keep searching for hope and joy and meaning, but can never find it there. And then the thoughts of doubt and the despair fill my mind. Why am I so busy? Why is life so hard? Why can't I accomplish the simple things I need to get done? Will I ever finally be able to do it on my own? But then I remember that God doesn't want me to do it alone. He wants us to come unto Him and ask for help - but in running the frenzied race of my life, I have forgotten. 


No, I'll never be able to do it on my own. I will always need Christ and His Atonement. 


I love this insight from Corrie Ten Boom and have tried to make it the motto of my life. 
During World War II, Corrie and her sister Betsie were imprisoned in a concentration camp in Germany. They decided to use this opportunity to lead Bible studies and share their testimonies of Christ. But even while engaged in God's work, Corrie found it hard to fight her instincts of self-preservation and soon lost the hope and joy that she had previously found in her service. 

"And so I struggled on with worship and teaching that had ceased to be real," Corrie wrote, "until one drizzly raw afternoon when just enough light came through the window the read by, I cam to Paul's account of his 'thorn in the flesh.' Three times, he said, he had begged God to take away his weakness, whatever it was. And each time God had said Rely on Me. At last Paul concluded -the words seemed to leap from the page- that his very weakness was something to give thanks for. Because now Paul knew that none of the wonders and miracles which followed his ministry could be due to his own virtues. It was all Christ's strength, never Paul's.

And there it was. 

The truth blazed like sunlight in the shadows of Barracks 28. The real sin I had been committing was not that of inching toward the center of a platoon because I was cold. The real sin lay in thinking that any power to help and transform came from me. Of course it was not my wholeness, but Christ's that made the difference."

Every time I read that passage, I weep. I'm not sure why this is such a struggle for me, why I forget Christ and His transforming wholeness day after day when I have pictures of Him taped up in every room of my apartment, but I do. Such is the challenge of our fast-paced, technological society. 


But the beauty is that I don't have to fight this battle on my own. I don't have to save myself. I have His arm of mercy to lean on, His Atonement to cleanse me of my sins, His heart full of love to heal me and His example to teach me how to become like Him. 


Yes, I may have forgotten grace, but grace has never forgotten me. 

Walter Rane, "One by One"

"For we labor diligently to write, to persuade our children, 

and also our brethren, to believe in Christ, and to be reconciled to God; 

for we know that it is by grace that we are saved, after all we can do." 

-2 Nephi 25:23

Staying Balanced in a Turbulent World

Image found here.

I have a friend who is an amazing woman. At her best, she is full of testimony and conviction, radiant with the love of Christ, and a joy to be with. Being with her makes me want to be a better person. But in recent years, she has changed. She has become busy with work and school and research and volunteering and many good things. She has great desires to serve and do amazing things in this world, but in pursuing that she has lost the light and joy in her eyes. She is tired and burdened. She is not happy. 


I miss the girl she used to be, her happy self, her best self, her true self. She has grown so busy with preparing to serve in the future that she has no energy left to serve right now, much less enjoy it. Maybe if she knew how her simple joy and goodness has blessed me, she would de-clutter her life and try to remember the girl she used to be. Oh, how I wish she would. 


Anne Morrow Lindbergh wrote:


Woman today is still searching. We are aware of our hunger and needs, but still ignorant of what will satisfy them. With our garnered free time, we are more apt to drain our creative springs than to refill them. With our pitchers, we attempt sometimes to water a field, not a garden. We throw ourselves indiscriminantly into committees and causes. Not knowing how to feed the spirit, we try to muffle its demands in distractions. Instead of stilling the center, the axis of the wheels, we add more centrifugal activities to our lives - which tend to throw us off balance. Mechanically we have gained, in the last generation, but spiritually we have, I think, unwittingly lost.


Fortunately, the Gospel of Jesus Christ provides the answer. When we make time to have a relationship with God and choose to make Him the center of our lives, the wheel slows down. We have peace in our souls and a greater capacity to serve. Our needs are satisfied. 


This week has been so busy as I've tried to balance tests, papers, my social life, my spirituality, and that lovely little thing called sleep. There have been times when I have been tempted to skip my prayers or daily scripture study, but each time I have chosen to put my relationship with Heavenly Father first, I have been blessed. I have been more productive, more peaceful, and more joyful. I have learned that I must make God my first priority if I want to accomplish good things and be happy while I'm doing it. 


If you find yourself feeling discouraged, overwhelmed, depressed, burdened, or unhappy, ask yourself these questions:
*Have I talked to my Heavenly Father today?
*Have I read the scriptures today?
*How is my spiritual standing? What can I do to improve it?


I find that whenever I feel sad or overwhelmed, it is because I have forgotten to make God my first priority. It is impossible to be truly happy when He is not first in our lives. But here is the remarkable thing - as soon as I ask forgiveness for my carelessness and strive to improve my spirituality, my heart is filled with peace and joy. I can feel God's forgiveness and love for me. 


Our Heavenly Father desires so earnestly for us to come unto Him. He can make your life amazingly joyful if you will just let Him into your life. 

Take me higher

Photo by John H. Maw

I started fall semester last week, and with it an intermediate contemporary dance class. I was rather intimidated on the first day. It seemed that all of my classmates were Music-Dance-Theater majors and lifelong dancers looked flawless and moved beautifully. That's not who I am. I just dance for fun. But with all this talent around me, I wondered, would the semester be fun?

"We are not going to compare or criticize ourselves," our instructor declared. "We are all artists and beautiful children of God. We each have a story to tell. And the moment we look in the mirror and start thinking negatively about ourselves or others, we prevent our message from being shared. We are NOT going to let that happen."

But when we really got dancing on the second day of class, I did allow that to happen. With every movement, I felt like I was falling behind the other dancers. When they performed, they seemed to glide across the floor with the grace of swans. I felt like all I could do was flail my arms and legs like a beetle stuck on its back, trying in vain to roll over, wishing in vain to dance as beautifully as my swan classmates. And of course there were others in the class who, like me, didn't pick up the moves as quickly or gracefully, but in the midst of my pity-party I did not notice. All I could think of was how horrible I was, how I could never be a real dancer, that I should probably drop the class and stick with beginning dance classes for the rest of my college career.

Friday I came back to class, still discouraged. It didn't take long for me to start criticizing myself again, but then my teacher's wise words popped into my mind: "We are all artists and beautiful children of God. We each have a story to tell." I decided that I would make this a private battle, that I would stop comparing myself to others and focus on my own progression. Sure, I could drop the class and stay where I was comfortable, but how would I be able to grow? How would I learn to tell my story if I stopped here? 

That decision has made all the difference.

(It's funny how we become so much freer once we finally let go and forget ourselves.)

Why do I dance? Not to look better than others, or to even look good at all. I dance to share the story of how Jesus Christ's Atonement has transformed me, and how it continues to change me each day. It is the same reason why I write, why I sing, why I serve, why I live - to testify of my Savior and invite others to come unto Him.

We're learning a combination to the song "Higher" by Cindy Morgan. As I do the spins and arabesques, I wobble, I forget the combination, I am imperfect. But that is part of my story. None of us can walk through this life without stumbling and falling, but what matters is that we look to the Redeemer to help us get back up and continue on the journey. 

Each day that I dance, I learn that Jesus Christ truly does take me higher than I could ever reach on my own.

“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.” 

-Winston Churchill

"Graven upon the palms of my hands."

"Prince of Peace" by Liz Lemon Swindle

I wonder if Jesus Christ ever questioned His worth, His mission, His importance. Did He ever have days of drudgery when nothing seemed to go right? I think He must have, for the scriptures say that He suffered "the pains of every living creature (see 2 Nephi 9:21).


We focus so much on the big things that the Savior did, and rightfully so, but I think one of His most remarkable attributes is His diligence and perseverance. As men and women, we are weak when our patience is tested. We are so quick to forget the long term rewards when our work starts to get difficult. But Christ? He was perfect. He was divine. He never gave up hope, never gave up faith, and never stopped working.  


What kept Him going at those times when it was hardest? When He was scourged and spit upon, when He was unfairly tried and betrayed by His friends, when He was hanging on the cross and not even His Father would answer Him, what kept Him from giving up on that terrible, painful journey?


And then the words of Isaiah pop into my mind. "Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands." He did it for you and me. 


I like to imagine that in the darkest hours of His life, when Jesus may have wanted to put an end to it all, He pictured all of us who would need His Atonement so desperately. Perhaps He thought about all of our pains that He had just experienced, and decided that He didn't want anyone else to have to endure it alone. 


How glad I am that He did not give up. For when my journey grows tiresome and my cross is hard to bear and I feel alone and worthless, I remember Him who has graven me upon the palms of His hands. If He did not give up on me then, surely He will not give up on me now. 


And I must not give up on myself, however long and hard the road may be. 


"It is ordained that we come to know our worth as children of God without something as dramatic as a leap from the pinnacle of the temple. All but a prophetic few must go about God's work in very quiet, very unspectacular ways. And as you labor to know him, and to know that he knows you; as you invest your time--and your convenience--in quiet, unassuming service, you will indeed find that "he shall give his angels charge concerning thee: and in their hands they shall bear thee up" (Matthew 4:6). It may not come quickly. It probably won't come quickly, but there is purpose in the time it takes. Cherish your spiritual burdens because God will converse with you through them and will use you to do his work if you carry them well." -Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, "The Inconvenient Messiah"

His Wholeness

"Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands." -Isaiah 49:16
Image found here.

I received an email from a missionary friend today that broke my heart. Here is what he wrote:


Conference weekend was way way hard for me. Most of the instruction that I received from General Conference was how to be a good husband, a good father, some great dating tips, and a whole lot about how to be a good father. However, none of those things actually apply to me, and won't for quite some time....Now, I know I'm not married, but just because I'm not doesn't mean that I can't live for my future wife. I can still try to live as worthy as I can to prepare myself for whoever she is. I can still live for my wife. So that has been one hard part of conference for me. I wish that the counsel was at least something that I could apply right now, but I really can't. At least I don't see how I can. The second insanely hard part was the choirs from the second Saturday session...I have so many friends in that choir. It's ridiculous. There wasn't a single camera shot that I didn't recognize a person. That was so hard. All of those friends are in the conference center, singing in General Conference, which is only one of my biggest dreams....It was so, so hard....I had such a stark feeling. I had felt that my heart had been ripped out and a shapeless darkness had replaced it. I wanted so badly to be happy and joyful to see all of my friends there and to receive guidance from the Prophet and the General Authorities, but the darkness was so overpowering.

I hope I can, with the help of my Savior, recover quickly from the dark void. I guess I just haven't received that witness of what the Lord has planned for me and why I'm here. I know that I'm supposed to be here and I'm definitely not going anywhere. I refuse to offend my God by leaving or not doing my best. I just don't feel like I have been growing at all, no matter how hard I'm trying....I know I've only been out a transfer and that I'm not going to be a drastically different person in so short a time, but I can't recognize any progression on my part. I just need to have a lot more faith and reliance on my Savior for strength, comfort, and direction. Good thing I know why I need to do that and know that I can have more faith, otherwise, I'd be in quite a bit of trouble.

After reading all of that, I just wanted to weep. He is such a good young man and can just feel that he needs love. I wish I could be there to give him a hug and let him know that everything is going to be ok - but that is not God's will right now. However, I do have the ability to email him, which is exactly what I did. I felt the inspiration of the Lord guide me to know what to write. What I wrote to him is a story of how Christ has transformed me - a story I want to share with you.


I read a book a couple months back called "The Hiding Place" by Corrie Ten Boom. Her family hid people in their home during World War II and most of the family was killed because of it. Corrie's book talks about her experiences and is absolutely amazing. It teaches a lot of eternal truths and illustrates examples of how to be like Christ. But the most powerful truth I learned was about the power of Christ. Corrie tells about reading the Bible in the prison camp. She and her sister would read aloud from the Bible every night, with the prisoners listening intently. At first it was joyous and uplifting for her to share her testimony, but after a while it grew monotonous and she felt empty. She would still read the Bible, but her heart was not in it. Then one day she realized where her emptiness and selfishness was coming from. "The real sin lay in thinking that any power to help and transform came from me," Corrie wrote. "Of course it was not my wholeness, but Christ's that made the difference." She realized that she had been reading out of the Bible because she thought she could help these prisoners - but the help was not from her! All along, it was from Jesus Christ and His atoning sacrifice. She was merely the instrument by which the prisoners received the message of Christ. And once she forgot about herself and put her whole heart into testifying of Christ, her heart was changed again. She was able to love and have joy again. She remembered that the prison camp was the place where God had called her to teach about Jesus, the only way by which hearts can be made "all whole."

And Corrie also helped me to learn about Christ and be transformed by Him. When I first read those words the natural woman in me piped up. "I'm OK," I thought. "I'm doing a good job. I'm not selfish." But then I realized that I was. Many of the good things I was doing were done out of obligation or habit or selfishness. I wanted to help people because it made me happy; it made me feel important. I decided to change my attitude. I realized that, like Corrie, I have been placed in this apartment, this ward, this University, this job, these classes, this social network because it is the place where God wants me to testify of His Son, Jesus Christ. God has placed certain people in my life because I have certain gifts and experiences that can help them. I do not know exactly what these gifts are or why it is my gifts that are meant to help them, but I know that this is what I have been assigned to do. And I also know that these gifts are not mine - they are God's. He has given them to me in order that I may do His work and testify of His Gospel. I decided that I would try to testify of Christ in all that I did, because "it was not my wholeness, but Christ's that made the difference." I have no power to heal or forgive people - but I have the power to testify of the One who does. That decision has changed my life. I have found that it really is possible to testify of Christ in all that I do. I've found that as I focus on testifying of Christ, everything else falls into place. I am more focused on my schoolwork, more loving, more productive, have more friends, find more opportunities to serve, I am closer to God, and I am just happier. I can now see the hand of God in all aspects of my life. I can see my many reasons to rejoice.

I am grateful for your faith and commitment to do what is right even though it is so painfully difficult. I know that God is pleased with that as well. He loves you perfectly and would not make you endure any pain that was not absolutely necessary for your growth. I don't know exactly what His plan for your life is, but I do know that you are where you are for a reason. Right now He wants you to testify of Christ. There are people around who need the healing that the Atonement can bring, and God has chosen you to bring it to them. I know that this experience will prepare you to be a better husband and father someday. God wants you to progress. He wants you to be happy. But sometimes we have to endure dark times because, as Corrie Ten Boom wrote, it is "in darkness [that] God's truth shines most clear." I know that the Atonement is real. I know that it has the power to forgive, to heal broken hearts, and to make us whole again. I know that God loves you and will help you through these trials, and that through them you will be able to help others later, to lead them to Christ.

I testify that Jesus Christ lives and that His Atoning sacrifice truly has the power to change attitudes, heal broken hearts, and change lives. He has done it for me, now let Him do it for you.

Not in Vain

During the break I reached out to my struggling friend and tried, once again, to get her to return to some church activities activities. I never saw her over the break and felt that I had failed. I was so worried about her because I had heard that she has been having an awful time due to her break up with her fiancé. But Sunday I was blessed to some fruits of my labors. My friend texted me saying that she was going to go to the singles ward and wondered if I would come along. I wished so badly that I could have gone with her, but it wasn't meant to be. This friend's mom told my mom that I have been a big blessing to my friend; that each time I contacted her or dropped off a little gift she would cry in gratitude. I learned that even though my efforts didn’t seem to be doing much, they let this friend know that she is always loved and that I am always there for her, that when she was ready, I would be there to welcome her with open arms. I hope she can see the similitude of the Savior’s love for her. I hope she can know that since I love her no matter how she responds, Jesus Christ’s love is even greater and more healing. I am so grateful that Heavenly Father let me see how some small actions were able to help another person. I can’t wait to more completely give myself to Him and to be able to share my testimony of Christ in this way.

Peace.

Peace is such a beautiful, mysterious tender mercy. I am so at peace in my life right now, surprisingly right in the midst of finals! I have finally learned to love the person I have been struggling with the most without letting them pull me down. This has been my greatest challenge this semester, but I finally feel that I am mastering this. Recognizing this person's weaknesses and trials has helped me to understand why they have done the things that have hurt me and to forgive them. My anger has been replaced with love and peace. This has come through the enabling power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. How grateful I am for my Savior and how He transforms me!



"Then sing, beloved ones, reach o're the summer sea.
Pour forth thy boundless love for us living!
Sweep into every soul, make music of our tears,
turn all our songs to joy and thanksgiving!
And when we silent pass, from far across the sea
let praises ring for life's wondrous blessing."
-David Warner, "Let Peace then Still the Strife"