A Faith Rooted in Optimism and Tears

Brian Kershisnik, Thorn and Sparrows, Found here

Last night, I filled up my old journal. Tonight I will begin a new one. 


After writing my final words in that volume, I flipped back through and reminisced about the last 9 months of my life - my worries when having to decide between my missionary and Brandon, how I decided that he was the one, our engagement, our wedding, our first 5 months of marriage.


I've been sick for the past 6 weeks, and I'm not sure why. (And to nip any rumors in the bud, no, I'm definitely not pregnant.) Although I get enough sleep and take my multi-vitamins, I'm tired all the time. I often have dizziness, migraines, and difficulty concentrating. We've been to the doctor and found out that I'm not anemic, diabetic, or a victim of thyroid problems. He prescribed some medication about a week ago, and it's been helping, but I'm certainly not back to normal yet. 


As I read through my old journal entries, I missed my old self. I missed the girl who was able to handle 12-hour school days with a smile on her face. I missed the girl who was so happy and bubbly all the time. I missed the girl who found everything about life to be so exciting. My body has forced me to slow down, and in some ways, I've lost a part of myself. 


In my prayers tonight, I asked God to help me bring back the old, energetic me. Instead, He answered, You don't have to be her. 


Yes, my body has forced me to slow down, and my spirit has slowed down with it. I've lost a lot of my energy and enthusiasm, but I've gained something in return. 


I'm more content with my place in the world. I find more satisfaction in my relationships. I cherish the temple more. I'm driven to my knees more often. I talk to my mother more frequently. I think more deeply and creatively. I'm more content to observe than to join in the action. I have a more eternal perspective. 


I have a better relationship with my husband. I have a better relationship with my family. I have a better relationship with myself. I have a better relationship with my Heavenly Father. 


This trial has been painful, both physically and emotionally - but I am better for it. I feel like it is helping me to grow up. 


As Melissa Young wrote,  "I’m finding that my faith is rooted in both optimism and tears."

Two of my current favorite paintings

"Icon of the Old Testament Trinity," Andre Rublev, 1408-1425

This one I love because of the graceful lines of the figures, the reverent mood, and the symbolism. Each angel represents a member of the Godhead. The figure on the left is clad in robes of an urethral green and has a mountain behind him, signifying the place where men go to draw near unto God. He is the Holy Ghost. The central figure, representing Christ, wears crimson robes with a royal golden stripe. He places two fingers on the table to signify His dual nature as mortal and divine, and gestures to the cup on the table that alludes to His sacrifice. The tree behind Him references His death on the cross. These two figures incline their heads towards the right figure, God the Father, signifying their reverence and submission to Him. This right figure wears heavenly robes of blue and gold and sits in front of His mansion in heaven. And oh, His face! I just love that expression of divine peace and faith that is not aloof but full of faith. I love how this piece depicts the Godhead as three distinct beings with their own characteristics, and yet so united. I feel like this icon invites the Spirit and helps me understand the Godhead better.

"The Annunciation", Fra Angelico,1440-1445

I love this piece because it is so clean and simple. I love the gentle lines, the muted colors, the wide spaces without too much crowded in them. In an age where it was fashionable to add lots of secondary details and be melodramatic, this work is quite refreshing. It's true that Mary is probably too too large to fit through that doorway in the back, and that her stool is awfully big as well, but I feel that painting still works - and it is still lovely. I wouldn't mind living in a monastery if I got to look at this masterpiece every day.

Oh, how I love being an art historian. :]

Food for Thought

Image found here.

"If we teach about what is in every section of the Doctrine and Covenants, if we teach so that our students know all the rivers in the Book of Mormon, if they can name all the prophets of the Old Testament, if they can describe to you the pioneer trek and the history of the Latter-day Saints in the restored times but they don’t understand the promises made to the fathers and their part in it, it is 'utterly wasted.' I would submit that all of our teaching is utterly wasted if they don’t understand the context that all of this is taught within." 

-Sister Julie B. Beck, "Teaching the Doctrine of the Family"

I think this may be why I've had trouble finding religion professors I like at BYU; there are so many that go over tiny historical details which are interesting but do not teach nor motivate me to come unto Christ and be a better person. And isn't that the whole reason for the Gospel?


What do you think about this quote from Sister Beck? How does it make you feel? 

Not in Vain

During the break I reached out to my struggling friend and tried, once again, to get her to return to some church activities activities. I never saw her over the break and felt that I had failed. I was so worried about her because I had heard that she has been having an awful time due to her break up with her fiancé. But Sunday I was blessed to some fruits of my labors. My friend texted me saying that she was going to go to the singles ward and wondered if I would come along. I wished so badly that I could have gone with her, but it wasn't meant to be. This friend's mom told my mom that I have been a big blessing to my friend; that each time I contacted her or dropped off a little gift she would cry in gratitude. I learned that even though my efforts didn’t seem to be doing much, they let this friend know that she is always loved and that I am always there for her, that when she was ready, I would be there to welcome her with open arms. I hope she can see the similitude of the Savior’s love for her. I hope she can know that since I love her no matter how she responds, Jesus Christ’s love is even greater and more healing. I am so grateful that Heavenly Father let me see how some small actions were able to help another person. I can’t wait to more completely give myself to Him and to be able to share my testimony of Christ in this way.

Disappointments and Tender Mercies

What a crazy day it has been! I flew home today from my Thanksgiving visit with my family, and had many complications with the lovely air travel systems. I ended up missing my connecting flight from Vegas to Salt Lake and was stuck in the Vegas airport for a couple hours. Being surrounded by slot machines and overly well dressed people was not exactly my favorite way to spend a Sunday afternoon. But I was able to find the Lord's hand in all of this, and learned a valuable lesson from the experience.

First of all, it cost much less to get another flight than I had expected. Second of all, I was able to get a ride home from a good friend rather than having to pay for the shuttle. And on top of that, on the drive home she and I had a really good talk, one that we have needed to have for quite some time. I don't think we would have had that if I hadn't had been late for my flight and had her pick me up. It was worth the $20 extra dollars I had to pay.


And when we touched down in Salt Lake, I looked out the window and got to see my beloved Wasatch Mountains. In the midst of a crazy, stressful day, the Lord still showed me that He cares about me. He helped me to find beauty in the midst of an ugly situation. He truly does know what is best for me, even when it is rather messy.

"For the mountains shall depart, and the hills be removed; but my kindness shall not depart from thee, neither shall the covenant of my peace be removed, saith the Lord that hath mercy on thee."
Isaiah 54:10