The Miracle of Forgiveness

Brian Kershisnik, But Ruth Clave Unto Her, 2006, Found here

It's been a rough week. As I wrote earlier, I've been struggling with forgiving someone who has rejected my efforts of kindness and hurt me badly. Ephesians 6:12 kept popping into my mind, for I have been wrestling with the forces of darkness.


I spent several days engulfed in these dark feelings, nursing my wounds at the bottom of that pit and fighting to let go of my pain. I felt justified in my anger, and wanted everyone to know how I had been wronged. But at the same time, I knew that revenge would only continue the cycle of unkindness; it would not make anything better. I also knew that I wanted to escape from these angry feelings and feel the peace of God again.


I found hope in Corrie Ten Boom's The Hiding Place, an account of her experiences helping Jews in World War II and, as a result, being sent to a concentration camp. She also discusses the way God helped her to forgive and show love during that cold, dark time. My favorite story in the book occurs after the war when Corrie was speaking of her experiences across Europe. At one event, she was approached by a guard she had known in the concentration camp; he recognized her and asked for her forgiveness. She writes,

I tried to smile, I struggled to raise my hand. I could not. I felt nothing, not the slightest spark of warmth or charity. And so again I breathed a silent prayer. Jesus, I cannot forgive him. Give Your forgiveness.


As I took his hand the most incredible thing happpened. From my shoulder along my arm and through my hand, a current seemed to pass from me to him, while into my heart sprang a love for this stranger that almost overwhelmed me.


And so I discovered that it is not on our forgiveness any more than on our goodness that the world's healing hinges, but on His. When He tells us to love our enemies, He gives, along with the command, the love itself.

So many times I have uttered that same prayer - Lord, I can't forgive this person. Give me Your forgiveness. And like Corrie, I have been aided by my Father in Heaven. The more I feel His compassion for my offender, the more my heart softens and is able to love. But it is His charity and forgiveness, not mine, that has made the difference.


My husband has been a great help as well. He has listened to me rant and complain and cry. He has even sympathized with the person who hurt me and helped me to understand their point of view. He has helped me connect to God when I was too hurt to reach Him on my own.


"You have tried so hard honey," Brandon said as he stroked my hair. "You did nothing wrong." It was at that moment that I began to sob because that was what I had wanted to hear all along - that someone acknowledged my sorrow and my efforts to do the right thing.


It was at that moment that I began to heal. God surely knew what He was doing when He asked us to "mourn with those that mourn." (See Mosiah 18:8-10)


We often speak of "the miracle of forgiveness" in the context of the Atonement, of Christ forgiving us for the vilest of our transgressions. After my struggle to forgive one person of a small offense, I am amazed at the Savior's ability to forgive me so readily, and even more so at the fact that I can someday become like Him.


But this experience has also taught me about another miracle of forgiveness - the freedom and healing we receive as we let go of our anger and let Jesus teach us how to forgive. I was in bondage, and none could deliver me but the Lord my God. (See Mosiah 24:21) He has made my burden light.


I still feel hurt when I think of what my offender did, and I suspect that the pain will always be there. I know that my journey is not over, for forgiveness is not a single event but a lifelong decision. But I know I have the help of my Father in Heaven, and that with Him, I can be victorious. 

"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?...Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us. For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." -Romans 8:35, 37-39

More than Conquerors.

Carl Bloch, Christ in Gethsemane, 1805, found here

I've recently fallen in love with this painting. When I'm down, I find so much comfort in the fact that Christ has experienced all of the sufferings and pains that I have, and that He conquered them all. I love that in His darkest hour, He had angels to come and lift Him up; surely in my time of need, He will send some to lift me up as well. 

"The Spirit itself beareth witness with our spirit, that we are the children of God:And if children, then heirs; heirs of God, and joint-heirs with Christ; if so be that we suffer with him, that we may be also glorified together.For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?
As it is written, For thy sake we are killed all the day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.
Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us."
-Romans 8:16-18, 35-37

Why I'm not worried about the Book of Mormon musical

Yes, I've seen the bantering and contention all over facebook. I don't want to add to it. But I do want my voice to be heard.

As I sat in the temple the other day, I thought about the Book of Mormon musical and the twisted, offensive things it portrays. It's always sad when someone mocks the things that are sacred to me. 


But then the Church's official statement about the musical popped into my mind: "The production may attempt to entertain audiences for an evening, but the Book of Mormon as a volume of scripture will change people's lives forever by bringing them closer to Christ." 


Here's the thing: the musical has no real power. It may capture national attention, win 9 Tony Awards, and give some people fleeting wealth and satisfaction, but in five years, it's not going to matter. This musical does not have the power to change lives, soften hearts, and bring people to Christ - but the book does. 


The Book of Mormon is still important 180 years after its first publication and over 2,000 years after it was written. Do you think that this vulgar, frivolous musical will ever have an influence like that?


The Book of Mormon is powerful because it is true. It has changed my life, and the lives of millions of others. It is the word of God. Nothing can change that. Nothing can lessen its influence - not even some silly Broadway musical. 


I'm reminded of the words of John Jacques: 

Though the heavens depart and the earth's fountains burst,
Truth, the sum of existence, will weather the worst,
Eternal, unchanged, evermore.

Helaman 5:12

Image by Mrs. Edie.

I absolutely love this scripture. It is packed with so many powerful phrases - "rock of our Redeemer," "shafts in the whirlwind," "a sure foundation," "they cannot fall."

I love how sure and full of faith this verse is. It declares that, yes, the adversary will fight against us brutally, relentlessly, powerfully, trickily. But it also promises that if we build our foundation on the Son of God, "it shall have no power over you" and "if men build they cannot fall." Such absolutes! Such promises! Such a sure foundation!

I also love the use of the verb "build" in this verse. It implies, slowly, steadily working. It implies an ongoing process, not a destination. It implies that if we take care of the foundation, Christ will make up for our weaknesses and build the rest of the house. Oh, how I need Him to complete my house!

I have seen the powerful promises of this verse fulfilled in my own life, even in the last two weeks. When I center my life on loving and obeying the Savior, I am balanced, productive, righteous, happy, filled with the Spirit. When I grow lazy and neglect to work on building my foundation, the rest of the day I am tossed by the whirlwinds, I slip, I stumble, and I fall. But when I pull myself back up onto the rock of my Redeemer and start laying my foundation again, the winds have no power over me. I cannot fall. 

Caspar David Friedrich, "Wanderer above the Sea of Fog," 1818

How grateful I am for prophets past and present and for my Savior who is my sure foundation, the one who catches me when I fall. 

I just love this scripture.

"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us. For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." 

-Romans 8:35, 37-39

Buy one here: http://etsy.me/bzSwrV

No, never.

Image found here.

Do you ever forget about grace? I sure do. 


Somehow Monday snatches me up and takes me far, far away from the spiritual world of Sunday, takes me to a place that is crammed with tests and assignments and deadlines and pressures and the unspoken but undeniable fear that you will never be good enough. 


And there I stay. 


I frantically run around in circles like an animal in a cage, trying in vain to accomplish my list of tasks with a perfection that I can never attain. I keep searching for hope and joy and meaning, but can never find it there. And then the thoughts of doubt and the despair fill my mind. Why am I so busy? Why is life so hard? Why can't I accomplish the simple things I need to get done? Will I ever finally be able to do it on my own? But then I remember that God doesn't want me to do it alone. He wants us to come unto Him and ask for help - but in running the frenzied race of my life, I have forgotten. 


No, I'll never be able to do it on my own. I will always need Christ and His Atonement. 


I love this insight from Corrie Ten Boom and have tried to make it the motto of my life. 
During World War II, Corrie and her sister Betsie were imprisoned in a concentration camp in Germany. They decided to use this opportunity to lead Bible studies and share their testimonies of Christ. But even while engaged in God's work, Corrie found it hard to fight her instincts of self-preservation and soon lost the hope and joy that she had previously found in her service. 

"And so I struggled on with worship and teaching that had ceased to be real," Corrie wrote, "until one drizzly raw afternoon when just enough light came through the window the read by, I cam to Paul's account of his 'thorn in the flesh.' Three times, he said, he had begged God to take away his weakness, whatever it was. And each time God had said Rely on Me. At last Paul concluded -the words seemed to leap from the page- that his very weakness was something to give thanks for. Because now Paul knew that none of the wonders and miracles which followed his ministry could be due to his own virtues. It was all Christ's strength, never Paul's.

And there it was. 

The truth blazed like sunlight in the shadows of Barracks 28. The real sin I had been committing was not that of inching toward the center of a platoon because I was cold. The real sin lay in thinking that any power to help and transform came from me. Of course it was not my wholeness, but Christ's that made the difference."

Every time I read that passage, I weep. I'm not sure why this is such a struggle for me, why I forget Christ and His transforming wholeness day after day when I have pictures of Him taped up in every room of my apartment, but I do. Such is the challenge of our fast-paced, technological society. 


But the beauty is that I don't have to fight this battle on my own. I don't have to save myself. I have His arm of mercy to lean on, His Atonement to cleanse me of my sins, His heart full of love to heal me and His example to teach me how to become like Him. 


Yes, I may have forgotten grace, but grace has never forgotten me. 

Walter Rane, "One by One"

"For we labor diligently to write, to persuade our children, 

and also our brethren, to believe in Christ, and to be reconciled to God; 

for we know that it is by grace that we are saved, after all we can do." 

-2 Nephi 25:23

An apple tree for an elm tree.

Image found here.

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"Betsy didn't answer. It was strange, she thought, how things worked out. Something was given to you but something was taken away. An apple tree for an elm tree. A raise, but you lost the chance to do what you really wanted to do." 

-Maud Hart Lovelace, "Betsy's Wedding"

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I've been working at Jamba Juice for almost two years now, and I absolutely love it. Everyone who works there is amazing. I have met my best friends there and even my roommate for the fall. Every time I go to work it's a party, plus I feel loved and appreciated and uplifted. The people I work with are true disciples who help me come closer to Christ.

On Thursday, my manager pulled me aside and told me they wanted to promote me. He said they are grateful for all that I do and that they think I would do a great job as a trainer and a team lead. For now I'd just get more hours, but soon I would get a raise as well. Naturally, I was thrilled! I had been hoping for this but had no idea that it would come so soon.

Friday afternoon, not even 24 hours later, I got an email from the art history department. They offered me a position as a teaching assistant in the fall. Logically, it made more sense to take the TA position, which pays better and will give me more experience in my field and with the professors in department - but it just didn't feel right. When I was offered the promotion at Jamba, my heart was full of joy and excitement for this opportunity. Now I only felt doubt, anxiety and fear. 

I had no idea what I should do - so I cast my burden upon the Lord.

I told the Lord that I trusted Him, that I would be willing to walk into the darkness if that was His will. I've done it before, and was blessed so much for it. I know that as I follow God's will now, I will be blessed again. He can see so much better than I can. 

Heavenly Father has promised that whoever asks of Him shall receive an answer. And I certainly did.

I realized that my initial reactions were an evidence in and of themselves. The fruit of the Spirit is the giddy joy and sense of accomplishment I felt when offered the promotion at my current job. Doubt and fear only come from the adversary, and those are the only feelings I felt when I was offered the TA position came up. I’m not sure why the Lord wants me to stay at Jamba, but I know without a doubt that that is His plan for me. And I know that I must follow. 

My mom says this must be a fulfillment of the promise in Malachi 3:10, that if we pay our tithing, “I will open you the windows of heaven, and pour you out a blessing, that there shall not be room enough to receive it.” And I would have to agree. I do not have room to receive all that the Lord is offering me!

I love my job and the people there, and I can't wait for this new adventure. Now the challenge is to have faith in God and the answer He has given me. 

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"Cast not away therefore your confidence, which hath great recompence of reward.

For ye have need of patience, that, after ye have done the will of God, ye might receive the promise.
. . .

. . . If any man draw back, my soul shall have no pleasure in him. . . .

. . . We are not of them who draw back unto perdition. [Hebrews 10:35–36, 38–39; emphasis added]

"In LDS talk that is to say, 'Sure it is tough--before you join the Church, while you are trying to join, and after you have joined.' That is the way it has always been, Paul said, but don't 'draw back,' he warned. Don't panic and retreat. Don't lose your confidence. Don't forget how you once felt. Don't distrust the experience you had. That tenacity is what saved Moses when the adversary confronted him, and it is what will save you." 
-Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, "Cast Not Away Therefore Your Confidence"

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Elm trees are good, but I believe that my apple tree will be even sweeter.

"Graven upon the palms of my hands."

"Prince of Peace" by Liz Lemon Swindle

I wonder if Jesus Christ ever questioned His worth, His mission, His importance. Did He ever have days of drudgery when nothing seemed to go right? I think He must have, for the scriptures say that He suffered "the pains of every living creature (see 2 Nephi 9:21).


We focus so much on the big things that the Savior did, and rightfully so, but I think one of His most remarkable attributes is His diligence and perseverance. As men and women, we are weak when our patience is tested. We are so quick to forget the long term rewards when our work starts to get difficult. But Christ? He was perfect. He was divine. He never gave up hope, never gave up faith, and never stopped working.  


What kept Him going at those times when it was hardest? When He was scourged and spit upon, when He was unfairly tried and betrayed by His friends, when He was hanging on the cross and not even His Father would answer Him, what kept Him from giving up on that terrible, painful journey?


And then the words of Isaiah pop into my mind. "Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands." He did it for you and me. 


I like to imagine that in the darkest hours of His life, when Jesus may have wanted to put an end to it all, He pictured all of us who would need His Atonement so desperately. Perhaps He thought about all of our pains that He had just experienced, and decided that He didn't want anyone else to have to endure it alone. 


How glad I am that He did not give up. For when my journey grows tiresome and my cross is hard to bear and I feel alone and worthless, I remember Him who has graven me upon the palms of His hands. If He did not give up on me then, surely He will not give up on me now. 


And I must not give up on myself, however long and hard the road may be. 


"It is ordained that we come to know our worth as children of God without something as dramatic as a leap from the pinnacle of the temple. All but a prophetic few must go about God's work in very quiet, very unspectacular ways. And as you labor to know him, and to know that he knows you; as you invest your time--and your convenience--in quiet, unassuming service, you will indeed find that "he shall give his angels charge concerning thee: and in their hands they shall bear thee up" (Matthew 4:6). It may not come quickly. It probably won't come quickly, but there is purpose in the time it takes. Cherish your spiritual burdens because God will converse with you through them and will use you to do his work if you carry them well." -Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, "The Inconvenient Messiah"

Let's enjoy the view, and never land.

Don't you love those moments when you know you're exactly where you're supposed to be? 

Leaving my famliy to return to school for the summer was a leap of faith. They are amazing, and truly are my best friends. I was looking forward to spending a full 4 months with them, but Heavenly Father had different plans. He recognizes the sacrifice it was to change my summer plans and compensates me with those special little moments when I close my eyes, sigh with contentment, and the Spirit whispers, "You did the right thing. This is where God wants you to be."


I have those moments when I walk to school in the cool morning and marvel at the beauty of the mountains, 


When I spend an entire two-hour class period chatting with my neighbor instead of listening to the lecture,


When I lay under a tree after class to soak up some sunshine and the words of living prophets,

When I go to my campus job and get paid to laugh with people I love,


When I'm at the hardest part of a run in my jogging class and "The Climb" or "Baby" comes on my iPod, 


When I come home at night to cheers and hugs from my sweet roommates,  


When my little brother calls me on the phone to vent about the struggles of his 9-year-old life,


When I sing praises to the Lord with my German class or the ward choir, 

When I take the sacrament with people who were strangers three weeks ago, but who have loved me openly and are now dear friends, 


When I finish my homework and realize that I really am learning something from these classes,

When I get a sweet email from my little sister or my best friend, 

When I commune with the Lord and He teaches me more about who I am and the plans He has for my life,

When I lie in bed at night tired but happy, knowing that God is pleased with me, and that somehow all the little things I do are part of a great work. 


Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing,  for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great. -D&C 64:33

The Assurance of Things Hoped For

It was so hard to come back to Utah for the summer term. So, so hard.

I feel closer to my family than ever before. We have had amazing adventures together, and summer will bring the start of many more.

I am jumping into a new ward with new roommates that I've never met - and I have been terrified.

I can't help but wonder - why does the Lord want me to go back to school right now?

And honestly, I don't know.

But I do know that that is what He wants me to do.

The doubts do come and my heart does feel troubled, but the Lord continues to pour sweet, Holy peace into this heart that is empty with longing for my four best friends in the world.

I may be missing them, but God's peace always returns.

We have so little faith in the ebb and flow of life, of love, of relationships. We leap at the flow of the tide and resist in terror its ebb. We are afraid it will never return. We insist on permanency, on duration, on continuity; when the only continuity possible, in life as in love, is in growth, in fluidity - in freedom, in the sense that the dancers are free, barely touching as they pass, but partners in the same pattern. -Anne Morrow Lindbergh

We five are partners in the same dance, a dance that will continue for all eternity.

Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. -JST Hebrews 11:11

Liken the Scriptures Week 4

So this week I start major work setting up the fair, and I'm going to need lots of divine help. Today I worked for 11 hours, and I have the same hours tomorrow. So my scripture for this week is D&C 4:3 & 5.

Therefore, if ye have desires to serve God ye are called to the work;

And faith, hope, charity and love, with an eye single to the glory of God, qualify him for the work.

In this stressful situation, I want to make sure that I use this as an opportunity to serve those around me. I want to treat my patrons, coworkers and family members like the Children of God that they are, no matter how tired or stressed I may be.

I can't do it alone. Love and charity come straight from the Lord. If I want to possess those qualities, I need His help.

I know that God keeps His promises and answers our prayers. So when D&C 4 verse 7 says,

Ask and ye shall receive; knock and it shall be opened unto you,

I know that is the Lord's way of telling me that He will give me the patience, love and peace I need at this time.

Heavenly Father is amazing.

Liken the Scriptures Challenge: Week 2

"The Sermon on the Mount," by Carl Heinrich Bloch

Today marks the end of Week One of my four week challenge to apply the scriptures to my life - and it has been a beautiful experience. My scripture for week one was Alma 4:15; my focus was to have the Spirit and rely on it more. The experience was so wonderful! Having the Spirit helped me to deal with challenges in a more Godlike way, love better, forgive more freely, be happier and more productive, find more ways to serve, recognize God's hand in all things, and mostly come closer the my Father in Heaven. It transformed me and showed me many more ways in which I can improve and progress.

So now, on to Week Two!

This evening I finished re-reading one of my favorite books, "The Hiding Place" by Corrie Ten Boom. (If you haven't read it, please do! It will change your life!) In it, she describes the horrors she witnessed in World War II and how Jesus Christ's Atonement can bring love and hope even in times of despair.

After finishing the book I sat for a moment in the rocking chair, looking up at this Carl Bloch painting of the Master. How is it that Christ can know all of the pain and suffering of this world, and still be so full of peace and love? How is it that He not only knows the evils of the world, but paid the price for them, atoning for some that may never even acknowledge or utilize the most painful of all human sacrifices? How is it that Jesus can freely love and forgive billions of people who caused His suffering? Oh, that I might be able to have such an ability to love and forgive those who wrong me in such small ways!

The miracle is, we can. Christ offers that gift to you, to me, to each of us. If you don't believe it, read "The Hiding Place." Read my last post. When we ask in faith, He provides. Or as Miss Ten Boom wrote, "When He tells us to love our enemies, He gives, along with the command, the love itself."

One of the things I learned from this week of living by the Spirit and from reading "The Hiding Place" again is that I need more of this love.

President Dieter F. Uchtdorf said last October,

What attribute should define us as members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints? Let us be known as a people who love God with all our heart, soul, and mind and who love our neighbor as ourselves.

I don't think that love is the attribute that defines me yet. But I want it to.

And that leads me to my scripture for Week Two: 4 Nephi 1:15.

And it came to pass that there was no contention in the land, because of the love of God which did dwell in the hearts of the people.

There was complete peace and harmony in the land not because of a fabulous government, fancy clothes or even a Disneyland. This remarkably stable and happy society came because the people had the love of God in their hearts.

To me, the term "love of God" is two-fold. First, it means that we love God unabashedly, that we are willing to follow His will and keep His commandments no matter how long or hard the road. And secondly, it means that we have God's type of love for everyone and everything. In short, we love God and we love everything He has given us in a perfect, boundless way.

I admit, it is quite a daunting task, to learn to have this kind of love. But our God never forsakes.

I know without a doubt that Jesus Christ can teach me to love in this way. He learned how to do it when He hung dying on a cross. He taught Joseph Smith to do it when his family and followers were mocked, persecuted and driven from their homes. He taught the Ten Boom family to do it when all of Europe was scarred by war, famine, abuse and some of the most horrifying events in all of human history. He taught me a small portion of it last week when I asked Him to help me forgive those who had wounded me.

And I know that He will teach me to love in this way too.

Liken the Scriptures Challenge

Image found here.

And I did read many things unto them which were written in the books of Moses; but that I might more fully persuade them to believe in the Lord their Redeemer I did read unto them that which was written by the prophet Isaiah; for I did liken all scriptures unto us, that it might be for our profit and learning. -1 Nephi 19:23

In my Book of Mormon class freshman year, one of our assignments was to choose a verse to apply to our lives for a week and write about the experience. I really loved it and became a better person from the experience. So...I've decided to do it again, and I invite you to join me!

I am starting my challenge today and extending it for 4 weeks. Each Monday I will pick a new scripture to apply for the week. At the end of the week, I will share my experiences with you and pick another scripture for the next week. I would love for you to share your scriptures and experiences as well. It was a fabulous experience for my class and I know it will be for you too!

The scripture I've picked for this week is Alma 4:15.

And now it came to pass that Alma, having seen the afflictions of the humble followers God, and the persecutions which were heaped upon them by the remainder of his people, and seeing all their inequality, began to be very sorrowful; nevertheless the Spirit of the Lord did not fail him.

It sounds a little funky, but that last line jumped off the page at me and I knew I had to pick this one. So how will I apply this scripture to my life? I will seek the Spirit each day. I will have more faith that God will direct me to do good. I will act on whatever promptings I receive. And I think it will be fabulous.

Please join me! It's free. It's easy. It will bless your life. What do you have to lose?

Abundant Life

Photo by Fabio Visentin

Did you know there is a section in the Topical Guide called "Abundant Life"?

Most of the scriptures referenced there are about temporal prosperity - riches in the house, barns filled with plenty, fullness of the Earth. But one of these verses caught my eye.

The reference here for Matthew 16:25 reads, "lose his life for my sake shall find it," indicating the abundant life is the life that is lost.

Most of the time, I think of gaining more abundance. It's not often that I think about giving up some of the abundance I already have.

But right now, that is what has been asked of me.

I came home from Utah on Thursday, and it has been lovely. My family has hiked and enjoyed beautiful flowers and played checkers and had lots of fun together, but I haven't been completely at peace. I love my family, and I love spending time with them. But I've felt stuck. There just aren't many opportunities here for me to progress. I've felt unsettled and not at peace, and then felt guilty for not being happy. My family (and especially my younger siblings) have been so excited for me to come home, and I put a lot of pressure on myself to meet the expectations. I forgot that it is impossible for me, a 20 year-old college student, to meet the social needs of a 9 year-old.

So I've decided to go back to BYU for summer term.

There are a few factors involved. I have a scholarship for summer term and rent is cheaper, which will save me money. My friend has been anxious to sell her contract, so that helped both of us out. The shortness of my visit will help the whole family to appreciate it, instead of taking it for granted as we did last time. I will be able to knock out my last two GE requirements and get closer to that elusive graduation date. I can get more working hours in. Most of all, I will find that progression I crave so much.

Oh, but EFY.

I have dreamed of being an EFY counselor since I was 14 years old. I had my interview for the job almost 4 months ago, and have been daydreaming about the experience ever since. I have planned what I wanted to teach my youth, how I could serve them, and how I could best testify of Christ. I have been so excited for this. But if I go back to school for summer term, I can't be an EFY counselor.

That broke my heart.

I started brainstorming ways that I might be able to do both EFY and summer term, but that didn't feel right either. And then the Spirit hit me.

I know without a doubt that God wants me to go back for summer term. I know that for this summer, He does not want me to be an EFY counselor. It might work out next year, but it may not. And I've realized that while EFY had been my dream for 6 years, I never asked God if it was His dream too. Now it is clear that that is not His plan for me.

While part of my heart still aches for EFY, I can feel the Lord healing my wounds with His sweet, sustaining peace.

Verily, verily, I say unto you, That ye shall weep and lament, but the world shall rejoice: and ye shall be sorrowful, but your sorrow shall be turned into joy. -John 16:20

For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it. -Matthew 16:25

OK, Heavenly Father. I'm ready to give up my "abundant life" for a life abounding with the things of eternity.

Bring it on.

Beauty for Ashes

The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me; because the Lord hath anointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek; he hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to them that are bound...to comfort all that mourn...to give unto them beauty for ashes...that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that He might be glorified. - Isaiah 61:1-3

This weekend, I literally had "beauty for ashes."

It was my turn to make Sunday dinner for my roommates, but some friends called me and invited me to hang out with them. I didn't know when I'd be back, so I put my soup on the stove and left a note saying they could go ahead and eat whenever they wanted to.

Unfortunately, I left a plastic spoon in the pot. And unbeknown to me, my only roommate at home was asleep. She woke up a while later to an awful smell and these lovely sights.

This is the remnants of the spoon compared to what the spoon used to look like.

And this is what my roommates were supposed to eat for dinner - a mix of burnt tortilla soup and melted plastic. Not soupy at all.

"Would anybody like some soup? It's not like it's tainted with the poisonous and naseous gases of boiled plastic, or anything. Please dearie, try some."

When I returned from my adventures hours later, we laughed and laughed and laughed.
"This will be a great story to tell your children," they consoled me.
"Oh sure," I agreed. "If I don't kill them with another cooking accident first!"

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Fortunately, my weekend had a lot of beauty too. I:
*Went to the BYU Men's Chorus concert, which was beautiful
*Made new friends
*Howeled at the moon
*Pretended to be a Ninja
*Ate ice cream with an amazing family
*Enjoyed silliness with my favorite people in the world
*Learned how to make a revolving door out of people
*Smiled and laughed until (and well after) my face was sore
*Went on a walk in the sunshine
*Tied with someone 4 TIMES IN A ROW on rock paper scissors
*Toured the industrial design lab
*Rode an electric wheelchair
*Attended a wonderful Stake Conference
*Ate thin mints on the lovesack
*Tried my hand at being a Shaman
*Ate good stew
*Petted a dog
*Took silly pictures
*Watched Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
*Had some really good conversation
*Got to enjoy many of my favorite people in Provo.




If God decides that my life needs some ashes to counteract the many, many beauties, that's ok with me.

So even though my apartment still smells bad, my roommates are a little annoyed with me, and my clothes smell like smoke, I have many reasons to rejoice.

The Power of Unconditional Love

Girls' Camp, July 2009

We got a new bishop a couple weeks ago and I went to meet with him a couple weeks ago. I've applied to be an EFY counselor this summer and still have not heard back from them. They contact your bishop as a reference, and I figured that it might be good for the poor guy to actually know who I am if they called him up.

My bishop is amazing.

He was paralyzed by a shot to his spine when he was 14 and is in a wheelchair. Being in a wheelchair led him to wheelchair sports and he was on the national wheelchair cycling team in the paralympics! He was also a scoutmaster for many years and has great insights from that experience.

Meeting with him was different than any of my previous appointments with bishops. Instead of letting me lead the discussion, he took control from the beginning of it. It took me by surprise at first, but it turned out to be a great experience. He started asking me questions about my idea of being an EFY counselor. Why do I want to be an EFY counselor? How will I relate to the young men in my group? Am I a ready for these kids to put me on a pedestal as an example of virtue and chastity?

I wasn't very prepared because I hadn't thought about these things since my interview before.

I told him about my experience last summer as a

tent mom at Young Women's camp. My goal was to show my girls the love of Christ since I did not know if they had experienced that love in their lives before (and I discovered that many of them came from harsh backgrounds where they indeed had not felt the love of Christ). That decision transformed me into a better leader and opened the hearts of these sweet girls. I think they served me more than I was able to serve them.

At this point in the conversation the bishop grew very quiet. He asked, "so, do you think that giving your youth the Love of Christ is the single most important thing you can do for them as a counselor?"

I reflected for a few seconds and then said, "Yes. It is."

"I was going to say unconditional love, but that is the love of Christ. In the world there is so much conditional love, and I believe that unconditional love can transform today's youth. I now know everything I need to know."

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There is so much conditional respect, admiration, and love in the world. If you wear the right clothes, say the right things, listen to the right music, watch the right TV shows, you get attention. If you refuse to be a blind follower of pop culture, you risk being alone and unpopular. What a terrible way for the world to be.

What we forget is that people are eternal beings. The fads we give up so much time and money to follow will fade in an instant, but the people and relationships we take for granted will exist throughout the eternities.

There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal. Nations, cultures, arts, civilizations--these are mortal, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat. But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub, and exploit--immortal horrors or everlasting splendors....Next to the Blessed Sacrament itself, your neighbor is the holiest object presented to your senses. If he is your Christian neighbour, he is holy in almost the same way, for in him also Christ vere latitat, the glorifier and the glorified, Glory Himself, is truly hidden. -C.S. Lewis

I love that line, "your neighbor is the holiest object presented to your senses." My neighbor is precious because they are eternal, but also precious because Christ is manifest in them.

It was not always easy. Sometimes they fought with each other over petty things. Sometimes they complained about the activities. Sometimes they screamed about bugs in the middle of the night. Sometimes I had to pray really hard to find some ounce of love inside me; I felt like I would snap from frustration and exhaustion, but I knew that if I was unkind to these vulnerable girls, I could cause serious damage. And the Lord helped me to see the divine in these girls, to love them when they seemed unlovable, to feel a portion of the love that their Savior has for them.

I saw amazing things happen as I loved my girls with all I had to give. They learned to love themselves. They learned to love each other. They learned to love the Lord and gained stronger testimonies of the Gospel. I received sweet notes from some of them, humorous because of their preteen methods of expression.

I think you are so nice. When I talk you always listen you don't just fake like the other people.

I really like you because you are respectful and you are nicer to everyone even if they're not nice to you.

I just want to thank you for being so nice and respectful ALSO very understanding to all of us girls

Thanks again I will always remember you and you're my hero!

You are the best camp leader ever!

But the truth is, through this experience I learned more than I think those girls did. I learned that pure, unconditional, Christlike love truly is the most powerful thing in the world. It opens and heals hearts. It makes it possible for a 19-year-old white BYU student to be able to relate to 12-year-old Black, Hawaiian and Filipino girls. It brings the Spirit of the Lord into whatever place you are in, even if it's a dirty campground. It refines and purifies me, making me a better person day by day. Knowing that there are people who love me unconditionally helps me to have the courage it takes to work towards becoming the best I can be.

And he commanded them that there should be no contention one with another, but that they should look forward with one eye, having one faith and one baptism, having their hearts knit together in unity and in love one towards another....

And thus they became the children of God. -Mosiah 18:21-22

And that is what I want to spend the rest of my life doing - sharing the love of Christ with whoever the Lord puts in my path so we can all become the children of God.