Want to see what I've been obsessing over lately?

This piece. It brings me to tears every time.





Not everyone understands this dance and many argue that the American version is better, but I am in love with it. It reminds me of the sweet, amazing people in my life who have been there for me during hard times, who have been willing to overturn the tables and Ikea couches of their lives to be there when I just needed love, who were willing to put their arms around me and try to fix me even when they couldn't. Mostly, it reminds me of the miraculous mercy of my Savior who is the only one who can truly heal me.


For my final in my contemporary dance class we have to create our own composition. Guess what song I'm going to use? I'm excited to see what happens when I take elements from this beautiful performance and add my own style to it, plus the element of faith. I will keep you all posted :]


PS- Blogger pun not intended.

It is not for unsteady souls.

 Image found here.

"You have to love dancing to stick to it. It gives you nothing back, 
no manuscripts to store away, no paintings to show on walls and maybe 
hang in museums, no poems to be printed and sold, nothing but that 
single fleeting moment when you feel alive. It is not for unsteady souls." 
- Merce Cunningham

 

It's true.  Sometimes dancing is really hard. There are days when my muscles ache, my feet are all blistered, my arms are scraped up, the steps just won't click, and I wonder why I keep doing this to myself. There are days when I want so badly to quit. 

But there are other days when I forget my battle scars, both physical and emotional, and I just focus on the movement. There are days when I can feel myself progressing and I dance with joy in my face and in every cell of my body. There are days when, as Cunningham said, I have that fleeting moment when I feel so intensely, beautifully alive. There are days when dancing helps me catch a vision of the divinity God put inside me and who He wants me to be. 

And that is why I dance - not for a grade, not to be fabulous (because I am certainly not), but for those spiritual moment that steady my soul and help me catch a glimpse of eternity. 

 Photo by Lois Greenfield.

Recapturing Beauty: Day 1

Photo by Nika Fadul.

Today's assignment for the Recapturing Beauty Challenge is to take 10 minutes to write all the things you are grateful that your body can do. I've been thinking about this all day and it has really helped me feel more confident and content with who I am. 


I am grateful for a body that fills me with breath every moment of every day. 
I am grateful for a body that wakes up each morning. 
I am grateful for a body that lets me walk, skip, run, and dance. 
I am grateful for arms that can hug my sweet roommate as I leave the house in the morning. 
(And I'm so very grateful for that sweet roommate - but that's a post for another day.)
I am grateful for hands that can tousle my little brother's blonde hair. 
I am grateful for eyes that can see the yellow leaves of autumn, the pink and purple sky of sunset, and the golden kiss of sunshine. 
I am grateful for ears that can hear music, and for vocal chords that can sing along. 
I am grateful for a nose that can smell yummy food, and for a mouth that can taste it. 
I am grateful for skin that can feel the warmth of sunshine, the cool drops of rain, and the embraces of those I love. 
I am grateful for a mouth that can smile, a head that tilts towards the heavens when I laugh, and eyes that squint up when I do. 
I am grateful for my toes that wriggle as I type this, and the ability to paint them pretty colors. 
I am grateful for my legs, strong and steady, that ground me. They carry me up those dreaded stairs and around campus every day with hardly any thanks. They endure lifts and kicks and turns in my dance class without a complaint. They anchor me and yet provide me mobility. They are amazing. 
I am grateful for a belly that receives. It receives breath, it receives food, and it takes those and miraculously turns them into life. That is a miracle. 
I am grateful for hands that can work, that can play, that can create. 
I am grateful for a mind that can think, and create, and soak in the beauty of this life and all that God has given me. 


Wow. I feel so richly blessed. 

Focusing on our Strengths

Image found here.

First thing in my dance class this morning, our teacher sat us down. "We need to have a serious talk," she told the class. 

"I know that you focus so much on your weaknesses, because that's just how we are. We don't say to ourselves at the end of the day, 'I am just so awesome! I did a million things right!' People just aren't naturally like that. 

"Today, I want to focus on your strengths. I really think that you need to be just as aware of them as you are of your weaknesses. That way, instead of starting where you lack and trying to get better, you can start with what you are good at and build from there."

So she told each of us, by name, in front of the whole class, what gifts she saw in us. It was absolutely beautiful. I could feel each heart open and the class truly become a unified whole. 

It was marvelous to hear about the other dancers' strengths. Erika dances with passion. Matt is a born performer. Cassie is open and pure. Lindsey is an eternal optimist. Stephanie is grounded and full of strength. Jonathan has explosive energy. I too have seen these qualities in my classmates but haven't always been able to define them in words. Identifying each person's strengths helped me realize what a remarkable group we are. Our gifts fill each others' gaps. We help another. We reach new heights as we depend on and build off of each other.

And then, towards the end, my turn came. I was a little nervous, because I have really struggled in this class. I don't have the training and experience that my classmates do. I see so many weaknesses in my dancing. I wondered what she would say about me. 

"Tasha," the instructor began quietly, "has remarkable confidence and courage. Sometimes she lets herself forget that, but she always picks herself back up and keeps trying. Each day that she walks through that door is a powerful act of confidence. She shows that she is not afraid to try hard things, and I think the Lord is pleased with that. He wants to us do things that are difficult, because they help us grow. Tasha is not afraid to do that which is hard."

To hear those words of praise from the teacher of a class I struggle in, from someone who has seen my weaknesses and evaluated them with a number - that meant the world to me.

Why don't we do this more often? Why do we focus so much on weakness in ourselves, in our peers, in our communities? Why are we so obsessed with the negative? Negativity does not bring life or growth. It does not motivate me to keep trying. But when I think about positive things like my potential or my strengths or the help my Heavenly Father has promised me, I find the strength and desire to keep moving forward. 

Let us become more positive. Let us appreciate the goodness in ourselves, in our friends, and in the world around us. Let us fill our lives with the energy of positivity and the Love of God. I truly believe that these are the factors that can change our hearts and better the world.

*****************************************************

 ‘Be not faithless, but believing.’ Believe in yourselves, in your capacity as a son or daughter of God, to do great and good things. 
-President Gordon B. Hinckley

Take me higher

Photo by John H. Maw

I started fall semester last week, and with it an intermediate contemporary dance class. I was rather intimidated on the first day. It seemed that all of my classmates were Music-Dance-Theater majors and lifelong dancers looked flawless and moved beautifully. That's not who I am. I just dance for fun. But with all this talent around me, I wondered, would the semester be fun?

"We are not going to compare or criticize ourselves," our instructor declared. "We are all artists and beautiful children of God. We each have a story to tell. And the moment we look in the mirror and start thinking negatively about ourselves or others, we prevent our message from being shared. We are NOT going to let that happen."

But when we really got dancing on the second day of class, I did allow that to happen. With every movement, I felt like I was falling behind the other dancers. When they performed, they seemed to glide across the floor with the grace of swans. I felt like all I could do was flail my arms and legs like a beetle stuck on its back, trying in vain to roll over, wishing in vain to dance as beautifully as my swan classmates. And of course there were others in the class who, like me, didn't pick up the moves as quickly or gracefully, but in the midst of my pity-party I did not notice. All I could think of was how horrible I was, how I could never be a real dancer, that I should probably drop the class and stick with beginning dance classes for the rest of my college career.

Friday I came back to class, still discouraged. It didn't take long for me to start criticizing myself again, but then my teacher's wise words popped into my mind: "We are all artists and beautiful children of God. We each have a story to tell." I decided that I would make this a private battle, that I would stop comparing myself to others and focus on my own progression. Sure, I could drop the class and stay where I was comfortable, but how would I be able to grow? How would I learn to tell my story if I stopped here? 

That decision has made all the difference.

(It's funny how we become so much freer once we finally let go and forget ourselves.)

Why do I dance? Not to look better than others, or to even look good at all. I dance to share the story of how Jesus Christ's Atonement has transformed me, and how it continues to change me each day. It is the same reason why I write, why I sing, why I serve, why I live - to testify of my Savior and invite others to come unto Him.

We're learning a combination to the song "Higher" by Cindy Morgan. As I do the spins and arabesques, I wobble, I forget the combination, I am imperfect. But that is part of my story. None of us can walk through this life without stumbling and falling, but what matters is that we look to the Redeemer to help us get back up and continue on the journey. 

Each day that I dance, I learn that Jesus Christ truly does take me higher than I could ever reach on my own.

“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.” 

-Winston Churchill

We must be willing to let go.

Quote by E.M. Forester

Image found here.

I'm something of a hoarder. I get anxious about losing things, letting them go. Part of me fears that the joy will never return. 

I had trouble at the beginning of the semester, and I'm having trouble now that it's nearing the end. 

I was terrified to move into this ward. I knew absolutely no one and felt certain that I would struggle with roommates and spend many nights in my room feeling lonely. My dad gave me a priesthood blessing that promised that I would make friends and not be lonely. I had no idea just how happy I would be here. I feel like I've just settled in, and now it's almost time to uproot and leave again. 

I'm trying to remember all the good things that fall semester will bring - living closer to campus with my best friend, having my little sister in town, fun classes like modern dance and art studio, singing in University Choral, old friends returning to town, getting back into art history, Men's Chorus concerts, new opportunities, fall leaves, bouquets of freshly sharpened pencils. But the life I'm living right now is so rich and abundant that I'm having trouble doing anything but grieve. 

I ran across this video yesterday that seemed to deal with exactly what I'm going through. "You have to see your future," the choreographer, Mia Michaels, remarks. "You can't just sit in what's comfortable; you have to go on and keep challenging yourself."

I hope that my future holds such light. 


Robert Browning wrote:
Grow old along with me!
The best is yet to be,
The last of life, for which the first was made:
Our times are in His hand
Who saith, “A whole I planned,
Youth shows but half; trust God: see all, nor be afraid!”

What do you do when you don't want to let go, when changes approach that you aren't ready to face? How do you accept the Lord's will and go forward with faith?

For now, I'm turning to one of my favorite talks and giving myself some sweet ol' time, knowing that eventually I will see the whole God has planned for me. 

Patience.

The seed of a Giant Sequoia, the largest living thing on earth. Image found here.

I went to a contemporary dance concert this weekend, and it was incredibly moving. There were dances about Mother Eve, strength, cultural diversity and womanhood, which were all wonderful. But my favorite was about growth.

This piece was choreographed and performed by faculty member Marin Elizabeth Leggat, and it was entitled "Expansive to My View." It was done to Arvo Pärt's "Spiegel im Spiegel." It was powerful. I have been thinking about it all weekend.

The dancer begins seated on the ground, arms crossed and her knees pulled to her chest. Slowly she tries to to extend her arm away from her body, but it doesn't want to move. After much effort and concentration, it finally snaps to the side. She feels freed and enlightened. She decides to try the other arm. It is also difficult, and the first arm wants to go back to its comfortable position, but she frees the second arm and is able to explore the beauty of her full range of movement.

To me, this piece represents my growth, a process that is can be very slow and very painful. Life can get so discouraging. I feel like every day there is a new challenge I must face, another battle that I have to fight. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever get a rest. Some days I feel like I can't do anything right and I just want to run home to my mommy and watch The Baby-Sitter's Club under the electric blanket.

It is then that I remember that my Savior.

He is helping me in this progression, no matter how slow it is. Despite my setbacks and weaknesses, I am getting better. I am growing. Cell by cell, the Lord is transforming me from a seed into a sequoia tree. And He does it with a Master's hand. Being omnipotent, He could have me progress at the speed of light - but for some reason that is not His plan.

That's ok with me.

********************************************************************

Patience is a willingness, in a sense to watch the unfolding purposes of God with a sense of wonder and awe - rather than pacing up and down in the cell of our circumstances.

- Neal A. Maxwell

Back to School

"Don't you just love...fall? It makes me want to shop for back to school supplies. I would send you a bouquet of newly sharpened pencils if I knew your name and address."

Well, it may still be summer in California, but school is up and running here in Provo. I am taking German 102, Doctrine and Covenants Part II, Art History 202 (Part II of the Western art overview), Art History 300 (the Theory and Historiography of Art History), and Clogging. It is fun! I have great teachers and very interesting subject matter, but lots of reading! That's good though; I will be nice and busy!

I am living with my summer 2008 roommate, Rachel, and our friend from that term, Cristina. They are great girls. I love them so much! They make me laugh, put up with my messes, drive me to the grocery store, and just love me. I am blessed to have them in my life.

I've had some disappointment this past week. Last Friday I auditioned for Women's Chorus, and didn't make it in (they said I didn't have enough experience). Wednesday night I auditioned for the Folk Dance Teams, got a callback, but didn't make it, also because of a lack of experience. I'll be honest; it's been tough. With two rejections so close to each other, I felt for a while like these events were reflective of my self worth. I used to think that I was pretty good at singing and dancing, but after this I felt like I wasn't really good at anything. I really wanted to go home.

Fortunately, I have good and parents roommates who took good care of me, and even better I have a Heavenly Father who takes really good care of me. That night I ran into Doctrine and Covenants, Section 24 verses 8-9

Be patient in afflictions, for thou shalt have many; but endure them, for, lo, I am with thee, even unto the end of thy days.
And in temporal labors thou shalt not have strength, for this is not thy calling. Attend to thy calling and thou shalt have wherewith to magnify thine office...

I don't think the Lord created me to be exceptionally good in "temporal things." Some people here have extraordinary gifts in music, dance, languages, academics, and all kinds of other things, but I don't. But the Lord has given me another calling...and that's ok with me. :]

What do I want to be when I grow up?

A BYU folk dancer.

I went to folk dance rec night last night, and had the TIME OF MY LIFE!!! I didn't know all of the dances, but it was so fun just to try to pick them up. I don't know if I've ever seen so much joy collected in one room before!

It was also really inspiring. I feel like this is something the Lord wants me to spend my time on, something that would be fun and good exercise and would help me make some really good, lasting friendships. And I have a passion to learn it. So I'm going to try out for the Folk Dance team next year, and we'll see what happens!

Opa!

Conference + Homecoming = Spectacular!

Hellooooooooooooo to the world of blogging!

I just loved General Conference, didn't you? It was so empowering and inspirational. My favorite talks were Elder Holland's about angels, Elder Eyring's about Unity, Sister Dalton's call for a "Return to Virtue," and Elder Bednar's "Pray Always." Elder Bednar's talk has significantly blessed my life this past week. I've always wondered how exactly I could pray always, and finally I know how! Now that I have been applying his advice on prayer to my everyday life, I feel so much closer to the Lord. I am able to remember Him and pray to Him more often. I am able to remember the woman I want to be and improve in my efforts to become her. Thank you Elder Bednar, and all the living prophets :]

I was privileged to go to Sunday's sessions in Salt Lake! Brian, Myles, Sheri, and I watched Sunday morning on the giant hi-def screen in the Legacy theater, and watched the afternoon session in the Conference center. I love the spirit at conference and on temple square! I love being edified with my fellow Saints. It's a great thing.

Well, it's homecoming weekend, which has been way fun! Thursday night I went to an awesome Dixieland Jazz concert with my friend Michael, and Friday was the Homecoming Spectacular with the men's chorus, young ambassadors, Jenny Oaks Baker, and more! If they air it on BYU TV you should definitely check it out! It made me so happy :]

Today was the homecoming game against the Lobos...plus it snowed this morning. It melted as soon as it hit the ground, but it was freezing cold. I went to the game for an hour and a half, really just to watch Brian in the band. He got to be part of a trio in the Michael Buble halftime show! There's a video on my facebook :]

That's all for now! Hopefully I will survive next weeks midterm flurry so I can update next weekend! I love you all :]

-Mosiah 23:21-22