Ex Voto

The image I inspired, painted by Cassandra Barney

Do you remember how I submitted a writing sample to the "What Saved Me" project by Cassandra Barney? I didn't expect her to pick my piece for one of her paintings, but she did. 


She said it was one of her favorites; It's one of mine too. Every time I look at it, I get teary-eyed thinking about my wonderful husband who raises me up. 


PS- If you want to see it on display, visit Salt Lake's Kayo Gallery from June 17th to July 13th. 

O Thou that art the Light

Photo by my sister-in-law, Melinda.

Today started off horribly. I woke up late with a long to-do list nagging me from the back of my mind. 15 minutes later the repairman came, ruining my plans for showering and breakfast. I was mean to my husband and we were both very grouchy when he dropped me off for school. By 10:30 in the morning, my day seemed destined to be a disaster. I walked into my choir class brooding and downtrodden.

But there is something healing about singing. 

Sometimes I let myself forget the meaning of the hymns that I sing in Sacrament Meeting and go only mouthing the words without worshiping God like I really should. I'm grateful to be part of a choir that meets during the week and helps me to connect with God through song. 

As usual, when the rehearsal started, I was wrapped up in the pity-party being thrown in my head, thinking about how dreary my day was and how much more dreariness I had to slug through before I could crawl into bed. I read the following words in my music, and they basically slapped me in the face.

O thou that art the Light 

of the minds that know thee,

the Life of the souls that love thee,

and the Strength of the wills that serve thee:

help us to know thee that truly love thee, 

and so to love thee that we might fully serve thee,

whom to serve is perfect freedom, 

Amen.

-Music by Gabriel Jackson, Text by St. Augustine of Hippo

This piece reminded me that the Lord has given me everything I have - my family, my education, my talents, my body, my life, my breath - and that I should not be complaining but rejoicing in my blessings and serving Him whom I love so dearly. I love how King Benjamin explains this concept in Mosiah 2:

"I say unto you that if ye should serve him who has created you from the beginning, and is preserving you from day to day, by lending you breath, that ye may live and move and do according to your own will, and even supporting you from one moment to another—I say, if ye should serve him with all your whole souls yet ye would be unprofitable servants....

"And now, in the first place, he hath created you, and granted unto you your lives, for which ye are indebted unto him.  And secondly, he doth require that ye should do as he hath commanded you; for which if ye do, he doth immediately bless you; and therefore he hath paid you. And ye are still indebted unto him, and are, and will be, forever and ever; therefore, of what have ye to boast?  And now I ask, can ye say aught of yourselves? I answer you, Nay. Ye cannot say that ye are even as much as the dust of the earth; yet ye were created of the dust of the earth; but behold, it belongeth to him who created you."

Even though I am an "unprofitable servant" and a bit of a stinker sometimes, Christ still loves me. He is my Light, my Life, my Strength, my joy, my reason to rejoice. I strive to serve Him not because I think I can ever repay Him, but because I love Him and I have found that serving Him brings me perfect joy, and perfect freedom. The Atonement is incredible. Praise be to His name!

The wedding

was absolutely wonderful. I wish I had time to write about it now - the beautiful spirit of the temple ceremony, the joy of having all of my loved ones gathered around me, the way my heart jumped when I looked into sweet Brandon's eyes and the sealer pronounced us as husband and wife for all eternity, the gorgeous reception, and most of all, the sweet love I witnessed everyone sharing with each other that day. It was truly heavenly. 

Someday when we finish unpacking and taking midterms, I'll write more. But for now, just look at the pictures our sweet friend Jennifer voluntarily took. I think they express the day much better than my words ever could. 

And for everyone who has showered their love upon us, thank you, thank you, thank you.

happiness

is easing into my chair at the end of a long, hard day
to read posts on my favorite website.
it's breathing out a long sigh,
and hearing my honey sneak up behind me
to gently place a bowl of my favorite pasta on the desk.
but mostly
it's the smile that creeps across my face
when I realize that he gave me the bowl that's my favorite color
just because he knew I would like it.

Find your own here.

happiness
is watching the snow gently fall
with a cup of peppermint hot chocolate
and gentle piano music in the background.
it's soaking in the beautiful stillness of winter
and learning to be still myself.

Found here.

happiness
is the moment
after I've cried out to the Lord,
when He encircles me in His arms
and lets me know
that I am unconditionally,
irrevocably,
inescapably,
perfectly,
and eternally loved.


happiness 
is the object and design of our existence; 
and will be the end thereof, 
if we pursue the path that leads to it; 
and this path is virtue, 
uprightness, 
faithfulness, 
holiness, 
and keeping all the commandments of God.
- Joseph Smith

Then pealed the bells more loud and deep, God is not dead, nor doth He sleep!

Last night I was studying for my Byzantine Art final (with sweet Brandon by my side) when I realized that I was not prepared for two of my five essay questions. I have attended every class and taken notes, and I know I've heard the professor mention these topics, but I don't understand them clearly or feel that I can write an essay about them. And our textbook doesn't really explain them either. I got really frustrated and discouraged because I felt that my best effort would not be good enough.


My wonderful husband-to-be took me in his arms and just let me cry out my frustration. Then we watched these Mormon Messages videos-

PS- The bell player at 3 seconds in? That's my future brother-in-law!

- and I discovered something wonderful. This test won't really matter a year, a month, or even a week from now, but I have what matters most. I have the Gospel of Jesus Christ in my life and a testimony of its truthfulness. I have an absolutely incredible fiancé who truly knows how to comfort those in need of comfort, who treats me like a princess, who stuns me with his goodness every day, and who helps me be my best self. I have wonderfully supportive family and friends who love me unconditionally. And most of all, I have a relationship with my Heavenly Father and my Savior, Jesus Christ. I know that they love me perfectly, no matter what grade I get on this exam. I know that they accept all that I can offer with open arms and loving hearts. I know that through them, I can receive redemption from my sins, eternal life, and a fullness of joy. I have what matters most - and therefore, I have great reason to rejoice. 

I wish all of you good luck on your finals and a very merry Christmas. Don't forget what matters most and how very much your Heavenly Father loves you. 

 

Our story.

Since many of you have asked, here is the story of me and Brandon. It's long and complicated at times, but it has a happy ending, I promise you. :]


Brandon and I met in our FHE group during the summer term. He had been living in a different complex for several years and felt that he should move to Sparks in the spring. I bought my friend Laina's contract for the summer and moved in because I felt that I needed to return to Provo for the summer term. Little did we know that the Lord was doing a great work with our lives. 


Brandon was friends with my roommates and I got to know him through them and FHE. My first impressions of him were that he was quiet and shy, but hilarious once you got him talking and very diligent in his calling - always attractive to a Mormon girl! He remembers playing Settlers of Catan with a group of friends one Sunday evening and noticing that I wasn't competitive in the game, but was willing to trade with everyone. 


He started coming over to our apartment more and more often, and I started to realize that he was interested in me. One Sunday he told us about his 7 year old niece, Adri, who had asked her mom why her uncle wasn't married yet. Brandon's sister-in-law replied that it takes a while to find the right girl, and Adri declared, "I know what kind of girl he needs. She needs to be modest...and calm...and not too fancy." That cute comment turned into this haiku:

Brandon accepted my application and I accepted his invitation for a first date. We went to fly kites at the park, which didn't turn out too well because there wasn't enough wind, but by then I was smitten so it didn't really matter. The next day he held my hand, and we've been inseparable ever since.

We've done all kinds of things in our almost 4 months of dating - hiking, camping, attending General Conference,  tie-dying t-shirts, going to the Opera, going to the temple, his family holiday parties, cooking together, walking around Provo talking about the Gospel and the cute old houses we spy. But my favorite thing to do with him is cuddle up on the couch and relax as he reads me Betsy-Tacy books. To me, that makes him the most romantic man in the world. 

About two weeks ago, I brought up the "M" word. The whole time we'd been dating, I'd been incredibly conflicted because I had a missionary who I had dated pretty seriously. Brandon had hinted at marriage, and I really really wanted to marry him - but I was so confused. I just couldn't figure out what was right. Finally, that night, I told him the whole story and all of my true feelings. He took it very well. "I knew this might happen when I started dating you," Brandon assured me. "But no matter what happens, it has been worth it. You have brought me so much joy and have changed me for the better. Whatever you decide, I am grateful for this experience." It was then that I realized just how incredible this man was, and how terrified I was to lose him. 

After a lot of fasting and praying and counseling with the Lord, I finally received my answer - that I should marry Brandon. I told him right before Thanksgiving, and told my family when I saw them over the holidays. They have been so loving and supportive, and I am so grateful for them. 

Yesterday we went to the Garden Restaurant at Temple Square where we had a beautiful view of the Salt Lake Temple where we are going to be married for time and all eternity. He gave me the ring we picked out, and tears filled my eyes. I am so, so blessed. 

The decision to marry Brandon has brought more joy and peace into my life than I've ever felt before. Every day I discover more of Brandon's amazing qualities and fall more deeply in love with him. He is a good listener. He brings me peace when I'm stressed. He protects me and takes care of me. He's adorable. He makes me laugh. He makes me want to be a better person. He helps me to refocus on what really matters. He helps me feel God's love for me. He writes sweet, sensitive blog posts about me. He never criticizes me, or anyone else for that matter. He adores me and honors me and I know he will for all eternity. He is the perfect match for me, and I am completely, unabashedly, unequivocally happy. 


We'd love to send you a wedding announcement! If you put your address in here, we'll get one to you at the beginning of January. 

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single BYU co-ed on her way to possession of a BFA, must be in want of a husband.

Well, after lots of fasting and praying and pondering and phone calls to my mom, I am engaged! I am marrying Brandon Moon in the Salt Lake Temple on February 18th.

Brandon and I met in our FHE group during the summer term. We became friends and started hanging out more and more until he asked me on a date to fly kites with him at the park. (How cute is that?!) The next day he held my hand, and we've been inseparable ever since.


Brandon is amazing. He is calm and steady, which helps me so much when I start to get overwhelmed and stressed out. He understands the introverted, homebody side of me and encourages me to slow down and simplify my life. He is incredibly loving and takes such good care of me. He has a burning desire to serve the Lord, to raise a righteous family, and just to do what is right. He reminds me so much of my sweet father. He is reserved and quiet when you first meet him, but once you get him talking you discover his tender heart, his great sense of humor, his integrity and then you realize - he is a treasure. He loves me and honors me even though I am crazy and sometimes ridiculous. He always sees the best in me. His gifts fill my gaps, and he is the perfect match for me. I am the luckiest girl in the world. :] 


Remember how nervous I was to return to Provo in the summer? If I had not come back, I never would have met Brandon. 


I have learned so much from this experience already. It has not been an easy decision; my choice will hurt many good people (including a certain missionary in Ukraine). But as I have counseled with the Lord, I have come to know with every bone in my body and every fiber of my being that this is right. His sweet peace guides me, sustains me, and fills me with indescribable joy. From this experience, I have learned that everything will work out just how God wants it to. We just need to be willing to listen and act on the promptings He gives us. 


Thank you for your love and support throughout this journey. I look forward to sharing my many new adventures with you. If you want to know more about Brandon, you can blog-stalk him here. We will probably not be combining blogs because I want this one to tell my story - but rest assured that you will hear a lot about him and I will post lots of beautiful wedding pictures :]


Happy Holidays to you all!

PS- Brandon just wrote his own blogpost on the subject, and it's the sweetest thing I've ever read. If you need any more reasons to love him, read it!

Finger Burns

Today I grabbed a pan that I didn't realize was hot and burned the fingertips on my right hand.
I've been carrying around bags of frozen peas and ice-cold juice boxes for the last 5 hours.
Each time I loosen my grip on that frozen Minute-Maid fruit punch
it hurts terribly. 
Which makes it hard to blog,
and gives me even more respect and awe for Stephanie Nielson.
I can't imagine having burns all over my body.
So kneel by my bed
and thank the Lord
for my small amount of pain
but mostly

for His miraculous power

that heals both body and soul.

It doesn't get much better...

...than having your friends, family and the people you love return to Provo. 

I'm also excited because my little sister gets to stay here with me and start college! She is going to grow so much and I am excited for her upcoming adventures. 

And while I'm nervous about everything that's changing, I'm excited for my adventures too. 

“Art washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life.” - Pablo Picasso

As frustrating as Education Week can be, with the crowds and Utah hair and indecisiveness when it comes to ordering Jamba Juice, I love it. I love going to the classes and learning new things, I love watching sweet families interact, and I especially love the LDS art show and the opportunity to meet the artists. 

This morning I went to a class taught by Rita Wright who works at the campus museum. She talked about the upcoming Carl Heinrich Bloch exhibition and I am so excited. Denmark is lending us a bunch of Bloch's altarpieces and other genre paintings. The LDS community loves to use them in prints, but seeing them in person is an entirely different experience. Some of the pieces coming to the museum are "The Doubting Thomas", "Woman at the Well", and one of my favorites, "Gethsemane".

Carl Heinrich Bloch, "Gethsemane (Altarpiece)"

It's going to be a breathtaking exhibition, and if you live in Utah you should attend! It runs from November 12th to May 7th.

And as if that wasn't enough, this afternoon I happened to wander in the bookstore just as all the big LDS artists were unveiling their new works! There were some breathtaking pieces, but this one is my favorite.

"Graven Upon My Palms", Emily Pugmire

Emily Pugmire is a young artist and not as well known as some of the other big shots there. I found her booth just as she was sitting down and got to meet her, her husband, and new baby. I bought a print of this piece and she signed it for me. How I wish I could have bought a full-sized framed one! But for now my little 5x7 will do and remind me of this special day, as well as my Savior who has "graven [me] upon the palms of [his] hands" (see Isaiah 49:16).

A manger and a chicken.

We had an art history association brunch Tuesday morning. I'd forgotten how much fun it is to be around fellow art-lovers. 


We played art history Pictionary/charades and had a blast. Some of the works selected were the Merode Altarpiece, Michelangelo's David, the Arnolofini Portrait, the Jolly Toper, Duchamp's "Fountain", and the Coronation of Napoleon. Boy, did we have some fun with those!  


This dialog was one of my favorites:
"It looks like a manger."
"Is it a chicken?"
"I like that this same drawing can be mistaken for both a manger and a chicken..."
Turns out, it was this:

The Seated Scribe, 2620-2500 BCE

Not a manger OR a chicken. A person. With crossed legs.

Oh, how I love my life and everything in it!

Favorites from the Weekend

*Elementary school style Truth or Dare with my roommates at 1 am ("Have you ever fallen out of bed? gasp!" and "What's the lamest outfit you've ever worn?" "Well, this Justin Bieber T-shirt might be it!")

*Sammy's pie shakes

*Haiku on the roof of Sammy's

(Pie shakes on the roof. Good friends and conversation. Ahhh, this is the life.)

*Running through sprinklers

*Working with my favorite people and making them laugh

*Battle of the Pseudo-bands (we played "Livin' on a Prayer")

*Continuation of Haiku week (including this double haiku, inspired by Brandon's 7 year old niece Adri)

*Catwoman photoshoot sighting in downtown Provo (yeah, I know.)

*Dr. Horrible's sing along blog (when the sketchy parts are muted)

*Potter Puppet Pals

*This song (especially this cover by an adorable English duo!)  

*This amazing kid

*Testimony meeting that was 20 minutes too long

*Cafe Rio style break the fast

*Singing at a rest home with friends from the ward

*Getting NINE sunshine notes!

*An awesome sunset

*Playing pass the pigs with my haiku crew

*Barely doing any homework :]

What did you enjoy about your weekend?

Visiting Teaching Under the Stars.

Image by Giovanni Stari.

"Let's sit outside," she said.

(There was too much going on in her apartment anyway.)

So we squished ourselves on a bench,

All three of us

Two visiting teachers

and one teachee.

We talked for a while

about our lives,

our backgrounds,

our classes,

our plans,

our hopes,

our dreams.

And then we prayed.

It felt a little strange,

to be praying outside

where the evening swimmers could hear us,

but she said we should go for it.

It's just like her, 

to jump in head-first,

joyful,

fearless.

We shared the visiting teaching message.

We talked about the blessing of eternal families,

how to protect them,

how to strengthen them.

We shared stories of our own families.

We bore our souls,

sharing joys and losses

and gratitude 

for the Gospel of Jesus Christ

which teaches that death is not the end. 

We had come to teach her,

 but in reality,

she was teaching us.

She is naturally strong in the areas where I am weak,

and her simple observations taught me

how I can be better.

I hope she knows

the gift she has given me.

We were strangers a month ago,

but that night,

we became friends.

as three different hearts

were knit together 

by the love of Christ.

We may only be together for a short time,

but our friendship will last much longer

and we will never forget that night

when we sat together on a little bench,

bare arms tickled by the warm summer breeze,

and enjoyed our view of the star-filled sky. 

For it was then

that we caught a glimpse

of God's plan for us

and the joys of eternity.

Let's enjoy the view, and never land.

Don't you love those moments when you know you're exactly where you're supposed to be? 

Leaving my famliy to return to school for the summer was a leap of faith. They are amazing, and truly are my best friends. I was looking forward to spending a full 4 months with them, but Heavenly Father had different plans. He recognizes the sacrifice it was to change my summer plans and compensates me with those special little moments when I close my eyes, sigh with contentment, and the Spirit whispers, "You did the right thing. This is where God wants you to be."


I have those moments when I walk to school in the cool morning and marvel at the beauty of the mountains, 


When I spend an entire two-hour class period chatting with my neighbor instead of listening to the lecture,


When I lay under a tree after class to soak up some sunshine and the words of living prophets,

When I go to my campus job and get paid to laugh with people I love,


When I'm at the hardest part of a run in my jogging class and "The Climb" or "Baby" comes on my iPod, 


When I come home at night to cheers and hugs from my sweet roommates,  


When my little brother calls me on the phone to vent about the struggles of his 9-year-old life,


When I sing praises to the Lord with my German class or the ward choir, 

When I take the sacrament with people who were strangers three weeks ago, but who have loved me openly and are now dear friends, 


When I finish my homework and realize that I really am learning something from these classes,

When I get a sweet email from my little sister or my best friend, 

When I commune with the Lord and He teaches me more about who I am and the plans He has for my life,

When I lie in bed at night tired but happy, knowing that God is pleased with me, and that somehow all the little things I do are part of a great work. 


Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing,  for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great. -D&C 64:33

My Abundant Life.

Image found here.

For the mountains shall depart, and the hills be removed; but my kindness shall not depart from thee, neither shall the covenant of my peace be removed, saith the Lord that hath mercy on thee. -Isaiah 54:10

This weekend, I've been seeing the abundance of my life everywhere.

I see it in the bright blue sky and the sunshine that tickles my arms. After a long winter in Utah, I am so grateful for summer.

I see it in my job, where I get to work with wonderful people and provide service to others. The hours may be long, but I'm grateful to be able to earn money in a time when so many are out of work, and to be able to do it with people I love.

I see it in the faces of my family as we giggle together before scripture study. I am grateful for the support they give me and peace that permeates the walls of our home.

I see it in the sweet comments from my readers that bring tears to my eyes. Thank you for sharing your kind words and encouragement with me.

I hear it in the music of the BYU Men's Chorus when I listen to it each morning. Their voices are so full of testimony. When I listen to them, I feel like I can do anything.

I see it in the face of my little brother as he tells me about his Lego car that he made, and as jumps up and down with excitement as we plan to watch a movie together Saturday night. Oh, to be content in the simple things of life! He is such an example to me.

I see it in my spunky little sister and the sweet relationship we are developing. She is growing into a beautiful woman, inside and out. I am so, so proud of her. She is a treasure in my life, and I feel honored to live with her, work with her, laugh with her, and be sealed to her for time and all eternity.

I see it in the baptism I attended Friday evening. The people who attended are so loving, so humble, so sweet. It is a privilege to know them and attend church with them. The sister who was baptized is so thrilled to be a member of the Church. When she emerged from the water, a beautiful laugh escaped from her lips. Her joy and enthusiasm for the Gospel are inspiring. I love the people in my ward and the opportunity to fellowship with them.

I see it when I lie in bed at night and reflect on my day's work. My life is so, so good. I am growing, serving and progressing in different ways than I had wanted, but in just the ways Heavenly Father wants me to.

I see it in the peace of the Spirit that fills my heart. I know I am exactly where I need to be.

"It was followed by a beautiful, spiritual confirmation that this is my new life. And it is good. It is oh, so good." -Stephanie Nielsen

Productivity, the Hubble Telescope, and God's Grace

Photo found here.

Sometimes I measure my worth on my productivity. It's a nasty habit.

In a world so focused on appearances and earthly accomplishments, I often forget what is most important and get hard on myself for not doing or being everything I "should." And every time it turns out that my perceptions of what people expect of me are totally ridiculous. I expect so much more from myself than anyone else does.

So yesterday when I got off of work early, I started making a mental checklist of everything I should get done with my extra time. But when I went to do those things, I found myself tired and empty; I simply could not be productive right then.

So, I let go. I just sat and watched Saved by the Bell and did not worry about my to-do list. And I realized how much I needed to just be still.

Being productive and accomplishing goals is important. But for perfectionists like me, we sometimes need a reminder that it is OK to slow down and take care of ourselves, so that when the time comes to go to work, we can do it with a grateful heart and a cheerful countenance.

********************************************************************

Last night I went to the science center with my parents and my brother to watch an Imax movie about the Hubble Telescope. Not being anything close to a scientist, I didn't know much about the Hubble Telescope or the fantastic things it photographs.

I was blown away.

The narrator described the unbelievable celestial phenomena depicted on the screen. Images from thousands of lightyears away. Cloud canyons where stars are born. Multiple galaxies with solar systems like our own. The vastness of the universe overwhelmed me.

But what was more overwhelming is the role I play in that universe. Despite my classification as a small, ordinary girl without much significance in anything worldly significant, God still loves me. The most wondrous, powerful being in the universe, the one who has created all the galaxies, nebulas, and supernovea also created me. Even though I am not as big or awe-inspiring as those celestial objects, I am His daughter, and He created all of those things so that I could return home to Him and receive exaltation. While astronomy is breath-taking, it is His children that He glories in (see Moses 1:39).

Even though I am a very small speck in the vastness of the universe and the eternal nature of its existence, Heavenly Father has a specific plan for me. He has given me unique gifts to accomplish a special mission during my time on this Earth and my life in the eternities after that. While countless other children and creations seek Him, He still answers whenever I call. I may not be able to shine as brightly as a mere star, but He knows that I have the potential to obtain a glory just as brilliant as His.

And the best part? God restrain me with a timeline. He doesn't base my worth on my productivity. He finds value in me merely because I am His daughter.

God's ability to simultaneously see the hairs on my head within the infinite nature of eternity baffles me. I so often find myself forgetting the big picture to obsess over details that don't matter. I don't want that; I want to have an eternal perspective like The Father's.

But I'll be patient. I know He'll help me develop it - one day at a time.