The Messy Version.

Hillary was my best friend during my teenage years. We met in Christian Youth Theater when I was 12 and she was 13, and we spent the next 6 years doing all kinds of musicals together. We were very much alike; we were both oldest sisters, both liked the same music, both were casted in similar roles, we even had the same hair color and style. "You are just like Hillary," my mom once remarked, "but the messy version."

It was true, one of our few differences was my messiness. Her hair always stayed perfectly in place while mine easily fell limp and stuck up in every direction. Her make-up always stayed nice, while mine always smeared and wore off. (Fortunately she is a whiz at stage make-up, so she was always there to fix it for me.) She always looked so put together while many times I looked like a train wreck. Even her speech and relationships seemed pretty perfect. Sometimes I say things without thinking, but Hillary has always been the epitome of grace and poise.

I didn't mind my mom's comment so much. I acknowledged my messiness and knew that it was part of who I was. But every once in a while I wish I was more like Hillary and less like myself. I see other beautiful people and wonder why my hair looks funny and my clothes get ripped and my mouth says dumb things. Sometimes I long to be flawless. 

When these doubts and self-abusive thoughts come into my mind, I think of my blessings. I have incredible family and friends who don't mind my messiness. They love me for (and in spite of) myself. It is an honor and a blessing to associate with you Christlike people. I learn so much from your examples and testimonies, and you inspire me to be a little bit better every day. Thank you for loving me and teaching me by the way you live your lives.

Heavenly Father could have created me as a less messy person, but for some reason He didn't. He loves me despite my messiness and my shortcomings. Yes, I have weaknesses, but the Lord doesn't let them define me. He knows my strengths, and He knows my heart. He knows that I long to do good. I may not be perfect, but He loves me, and my best is good enough for Him. What a comfort it is to know that!

Sometimes I forget the simple fact that God loves me. I get so caught up in trying to be perfect that I think I have to earn my Heavenly Father's love and do everything on my own. When I finally slow down long enough to listen to the Lord's still, small voice, the message is always the same: "I know you. I love you. I am pleased with you. You are enough. Rely on me." 

Jesus had some messiness in His life too, messiness that left Him with a scarred and imperfect body. He chooses to keep those imperfections as a reminder of what He endured that enables us to transcend our messiness and become perfect, glorified beings.

 "Graven Upon My Palms", Emily Pugmire

I guess my messiness and imperfections make it possible for the glory of God to be manifest in me. In the end, my weaknesses help me learn to rely on the Atonement of Christ and can be a testimony to others of the power of the Atonement. 


And that is quite the reason to be grateful for the messy version.